


I Don't Wanna Know

by Nomin_Ambassador



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending?, Jaeno, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, don't hate jeno please, everything has a reason, falling relationships, injured jaemin, markhyuck, nomin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2018-11-06 19:53:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 27,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11043177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nomin_Ambassador/pseuds/Nomin_Ambassador
Summary: Jeno started ignoring Jaemin.Why?





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to amia unnie for the beta. I miss you :(

_Jeno-yah, can you come visit me today?_  
**Sent**

 

30 seconds, 2minutes, 5 minutes, 15 minutes... The reply never came. 

 

Jaemin huffs as he stares at his phone, getting more pissed off as time goes by. 

 

Lee fucking Jeno has been ignoring his texts for a week now, and it’s frustrating and annoying at the same time for Jaemin. 

 

Back then, Jeno would reply in the span of 20 seconds because he's scared of pissing Jaemin off. But now, it’s been 20 minutes and he hasn’t received even a single emoticon from Jeno. 

 

He opens his cellphone again and it says that Jeno has already seen his text. 

 

_**Then why isn’t he replying?** _

_**Maybe he doesn't love you anymore.** _

_**Maybe he’s found someone better.** _

_**Maybe he's already planning to dump you.** _

_**Maybe because you’re a useless boyfriend to him since you’re injured and you can’t even go out with him.** _

_**Maybe he already finds you annoying.** _

_**Maybe he’s already replaced you.** _

_**Maybe he's dating another member now, Donghyuck? No. He's your best friend and he's with Mark.** _

_**Maybe Jisung? Nah. Jisung is my baby he wouldn’t betray me. Plus he likes a girl from his school.** _

_**Or... Renjun perhaps? Well he's Jeno's type...** _

_**STOP IT NA JAEMIN. STOP DOUBTING YOUR BOYFRIEND FOR PETE'S SAKE. HE'S JUST BUSY WITH THE COMEBACK.** _

_**Yeah. I shouldn't have bothered Jeno. He's just busy.** _

  
To say that Jaemin is upset is an understatement. He can't join the comeback, he can't dance, he can't meet with the members, he can't perform in front of the fans, and he can't be with his boyfriend.    
He just sits at home. He's so bored and Jeno isn’t even talking to him. 

  
The last time Jeno visited him, it was New Year’s and they celebrated it together at Jaemin's place with his parents. 

  
A week after that, Jeno texted him that he couldn’t visit him that Saturday since he's busy. 

  
They fought because of that because Jeno promised to visit him every Saturday when he got injured. 

  
Jeno called him over the phone that night to say sorry and asked him to understand that he's just busy with his job. 

  
Jaemin felt guilty for getting mad at Jeno. He knows Jeno's job, he's an idol himself. Of all people, he should be the first one to understand him. 

  
After that, Jeno stopped sending Good Morning and Goodnight messages. It bothered Jaemin but he didn’t want to start another fight so he brushed off his disappointment. 

  
Jeno rarely replies to his texts too. Sometimes he’ll just answer a simple yes or no, or worse, a single stupid emoticon.   
Jeno didn’t visit him again the next Saturday. But this time, he didn’t even texted Jaemin that he wasn’t coming. 

  
Jeno stopped replying after that. No “yes” or “no”, no “I’m fine”, or not even a single “:)”. Jaemin keeps on texting him everyday despite that. He can’t just give up on them, can he? 

  
Everyday, he would greet him with a “Good morning Jeno-yah”, and he’ll randomly ask if the older has eaten his meals yet, or if he’s tired already. Sometimes he would wish jeno good luck or give a “fighting!” He would still ask Jeno to come visit him every Saturday too, even though the latter never complied. 

 

He always updates Jeno with his condition, telling him about his check up results, bragging about the improvements on his condition, assuring him that he’ll recover soon.

Every night, he’ll wait for the clock to strike 8:15pm, because he knows its break time by then. He would call Jeno and listen to the painful empty ringing of his phone, always ending the call before the operator speaks because it felt like she was rubbing salt unto his wounds. Telling him the obvious fact that the one he’s calling is not interested in answering at all.

And of course, he will never let the night pass without sending Jeno the usual “Goodnight my lovely prince, fighting~! I love you so much.” 

 

If you would ask him, he’s honestly already sick and tired of their relationship. He’s sick and tired of being the only one who seems to care.

He’s tired of being in pain. Being helpless, restless and hopeless. He’s known for being the positive sunshine of the group, but with his current situation, he can’t think about positivity. He’s simply full of doubts. 

 

He trusts Jeno. But he doesn’t trust himself. He’s insecure. He feels so useless, pathetic, ugly and unworthy of attention. He blames himself for everything. If he wasn’t injured, he might be joining the comeback by now, practicing until he drops, lacing hands with Jeno during break time, joking around with the other members, getting all giddy from performing in front of fans again. 

  
If only he was just as beautiful as Renjun, as funny as Donghyuck, as adorable as Chenle, as cute as Jisung or as cool as Mark, then maybe Jeno wouldn’t get tired of his ugly face.

  
Maybe he’s worthless. Maybe he doesn’t deserve the attention from Jeno. And maybe Jeno has realized how ugly and useless he is. Maybe Jeno is already sick of him, and maybe he’ll dump him soon. 

 

Jaemin cries that afternoon. He always does. 

 

His mom knocks on his door at dinner time, asking him to come down to eat so he hurriedly washes his face so that his mom wouldn’t know that he cried. He hates worrying her. He hates being a burden to the people around him. 

 

He goes out of his room and sits by the dining table where he waits for his mom to finish setting up. He can hear his mom in the kitchen, humming to the tune of her favorite 80’s song. She comes back to the table with a bowl of curry and sits down in front of her son. 

  
“Your dad won’t be home until tomorrow, he said he’s busy with work.” She tells him while smiling sweetly at him. 

  
“He’s always busy with work mom, nothing new.” He bitterly jokes. 

  
He sees his mom’s eyes show signs of pain but she holds her smile as if she wasn’t affected by her son’s remark. 

  
“Jaeminnie, you understand your dad right? He’s working hard for us, so we should be grateful.” 

  
She sounds like she’s not just convincing Jaemin, but also herself. It’s funny for Jaemin. Sharing the same fate as his mom and all.

His dad never prioritized them. He’s always at work and he rarely comes home. 

  
His mom used to tell him when he was still young that his father is a great man, that he’s doing everything for his family and he loves them so much. But as Jaemin grew up, he learned not to listen to his mom’s comforting words. Saying that his mom was blind and martyr, that she doesn’t deserve to be treated like this by his dad. 

 

But now, he’s just doing the same. Sticking with someone who wasn’t even giving him a little bit of his attention.

  
Their situation was just so funny that he actually laughed out loud. A bitter forced laugh. He wants to laugh until he’s out of breath, which is stupid. 

  
His mom was caught off guard when her son bursts out laughing. She’s not sure if she’s said something funny that made her son laugh like that, but she notices how painful the laughter sounds. Like someone is choking him instead. Soon enough, the laughter dies down and turns into a sob. 

  
Jaemin looks down, tears streaming down his face. He doesn’t stop sobbing though. Instead, he makes it louder. He’s fully aware that he’s breaking down in front of his mom but he doesn’t care. He couldn’t take it anymore. He just wants someone to comfort him, hug him, tell him that everything is fine.

   
Mrs. Na’s face shifts from worry to pity. Her son was a mess before her eyes and it’s breaking her heart. She rushes to comfort him and hug him from the back. She can feel her tears threatening to fall too, hearing her son crying so helplessly. 

 

“Mom, Jeno is ignoring me. I bet he found someone better than me and he’s already dropping me. I-I’m so s-scared.” 

  
His shoulders shake as he speaks as though he’s been carrying a heavy load on his back and was this close to giving up. 

 

Jaemin’s mom sighs. This is her worst fear- seeing her son all broken and hurting. Jaemin is her only son and she only wants what’s best for him. Not for him to experience her own pain with Jaemin’s father. 

 

“Nana, maybe you’re just overthinking things. Jeno loves you. We all know that. You know he’s just busy right? Their comeback is nearing, of course he’s busy.” She tries to console her son but the wavering of her voice didn’t sound that convincing. 

  
“You don’t get it mom. He’s missed 3 Saturday visits now and he’s not answering my calls. He’s not replying to my texts, he’s just reading them all but never bothering to reply! He won’t to talk to me mom! He’s s-sick of m-me.” Jaemin continues sobbing in his mom’s arms.   

  
Mrs. Na inhaled sharply at his son’s outburst. 

  
“Calm down son, shhh. How about you text Donghyuck or Mark and ask them about Jeno’s whereabouts?” 

  
“D-do you think t-they’ll tell m-me?” The boy asks her, uncertainty laced in his voice.

  
“They’ve been your friends since you started training. Donghyuck is your bestfriend next to Jeno, Mark is one of the most responsible friends you have, you said so yourself. You can trust them.” She smiles reassuringly at her son.

  
“Okay. I-I’ll do that. Thanks mom.” Jaemin stopped crying after that. He felt guilty for crying. He knows he shouldn’t have worried his mom like that since she has her own fair share of problems too. 

  
He helps his mom clean the table but Mrs. Na told him that she’ll be fine doing the dishes alone and that he’s free to go back to his room. 

  
Jaemin smiles at her and slowly walks to his room. He closes the door before recovering his phone that was covered by a pillow on his bed and texts Donghyuck first.

  
It was just the other day when Donghyuck texted him to see if he was fine and they exchanged a short conversation, but Jaemin never got the chance to ask about Jeno because Donghyuck bid goodbye after a couple of exchanges since their break time is already over.

  
_Hyuckie :)_

**sent**

  
It’s simple, Jaemin thought. But he couldn’t think of anything so he just settled with it and waited for Donghyuck to reply.

  
12 minutes. It took Donghyuck 12 minutes to see his text and call him. 

  
“Jaeminniee heyyy~ I MISSED YOU ALREADY ARE YOU EVEN GETTING BETTER NOW? GDI BRING YOUR NON EXISTENT ASS HERE SOMETIMES, EVERYONE IS ASKING ABOUT YOU AJNAJBHDVAHSGABA WHEN WILL YOU BE BACK AHDBAJBDAGSYABJ!!! AND YEAH, PLEASE BUY--NO NO. LEMME REPHRASE THAT. YOU BETTER BUY OUR ALBUM, I KNOW YOU WILL. YOU’LL BUY AND BUY UNTIL YOU GET YOUR SWEETIE PIE JENO’S POSTER YEAH?’

  
Donghyuck didn’t even let him say hello when he started blabbering. Of course, typical Lee Donghyuck. 

  
“Yeah…” Jaemin was taken aback when he heard Jeno’s name, unable to think of a better response.

“YEASSH OMG I KNEW I--- wait, why are you so unnaturally quiet? Are you sick? Are you hurting? OMG SHOULD I CALL YOUR DOC--”

  
“I’m hurting, Hyuck. But no need to call my doctor.”

  
Silence followed. It was like Donghyuck was processing what he just said. Donghyuck is smart, he loves observing people, and Jaemin knows that Donghyuck got what he said. 

  
“Hey… What’s the problem?” Donghyuck’s voice is soft and quiet. Cautious of breaking the fragile Jaemin any further.

  
“Where are you? Are you in the practice room?” Jaemin replies with the same quiet voice.

  
“I’m here in the empty practice room next to our practice room. The dance instructor is absent today so Jisung is in charge and I purposely messed up to annoy him. He told Doyoung hyung that I’m being annoying and hyung is out to tear me apart so I’m hiding here-- now what’s your problem? Spill, I’ll listen.”

  
Jaemin couldn’t help but chuckle a bit at his bestfriend’s antics before he realized that Donghyuck is asking him about his problem.

   
“Umm Hyuck… how’s Jeno? H-he hasn’t contacted me for two weeks now. He’s been ignoring my texts even though he saw all of them. I t-tried calling him but to no avail. He stopped visiting me too. I’m worried Hyuck… what happened to him? Is he… Is he d-dumping me?” 

  
Jaemin’s voice is shaking. He’s already tearing up and he’s scared of Donghyuck’s reaction.

What if Donghyuck calls him pathetic? Selfish? Paranoid? 

  
It took him a while to respond. Like he’s still contemplating if it’ll be helpful to break “the news” to Jaemin. 

  
“Jaemin….umm. I don’t know but-- GODDAMNITDIBDJABJDB MARK PUT ME DOWN FUCK.”

  
“No. I’ll drag you back to practice, I’m the leader and I need to utilize the peace and order of the group. Stop stressing me out Hyuck and don’t curse.”

  
Jaemin hears Mark’s calm voice on the other line and Jaemin assumes that he had found Donghyuck and probably carried him back to the practice room. 

  
“Ughhh fuck you’re such a killjoy! Jisung’s supposes to find me not you, you’re turning 18 this year. Hide and seek doesn’t suit you anymore!” 

  
And with that, the call goes off. 

  
-  
Jaemin visits his doctor 3 days later. He’s been getting check ups constantly and today was one of them. 

  
He’s actually excited. Last check up, his doctor told him that if he’s better the next check up, he’ll be allowed to go out of his house. He won’t be allowed to do tiring things yet, like dancing, running and lifting things. But being able to finally go out after 2 months of being detained in his own house is great progress. 

  
Jeno is still not talking to him, though. But he already stopped calling and sending texts to him the day after the call with Donghyuck. He’s tired of pleading Jeno into talking to him. Well, if Jeno was really ignoring him, two can play that game.

  
“Good morning Dr. Kim~!” Jaemin greets his lovely doctor, Kim Jongdae, with his usual chirpy voice. 

  
Dr. Kim, who’s busy studying his results, looks up with a fairly cheeky grin. 

  
“Good morning Jaemin, my boy~ You look happy today? Are you excited to know your results?” 

  
Jaemin beams at him and nods his head. He likes his doctor so much, he spreads a bright vibe to everyone he encounters and for Jaemin, it’s actually pretty amazing. 

  
“Wow, both of you can actually replace the moon and the sun. Your smiles are enough to light up the whole world.” Dr. Kim’s grumpy husband - and nurse - Kim Minseok enters the room with his usual frowning face. 

  
Nurse Kim is actually a nice person, he’s just not the smiley type.

  
“Is that a pick up line? Ohmygahd.” Nurse Minseok glared at his husband but Dr. Kim just winks at him. 

  
They’re a cute couple. Jaemin giggled at that thought.

  
“Good Morning Nurse Minseok~!” Jaemin greets the other with a beam  too. 

  
Nurse Minseok just nods at him but Jaemin was sure that he caught a glimpse of Nurse Minseok smiling when he turned his back to leave the room to attend to other patients that are waiting outside.

  
“Your husband is so squishy.” Jaemin blurts out, making Dr. Kim chuckle. 

  
“Both of you are squishy. Now let’s get back to your results. You’ve absolutely got better Jaemin ah. If you ask me, you’re about 75% through with your recovery. Nice Job! As I’ve promised, I’ll allow you to move more freely now. You can go out of your house, but you can’t lift heavy objects, run and dance yet. Now off you go. You probably have a lot of places to visit now since you’ve been on house arrest for 2 months. Don’t forget to come back for another check up next week, tell your mom to call me to set up an appointment though. Take your medicine on time or you’ll regret it.” Dr. Kim genuinely smiles at him, despite his warning.

  
“Really??? Thank you Dr. Kim! I promise to never skip my medicine. I’ll get going now. Thank you once again, I’ll definitely come back next week.” Jaemin bows to the doctor before going out of his office. 

  
He probably looked like an idiot by now. His smile is so wide but he can’t do anything about that. He’s just happy.

  
He bumps into Nurse Kim on his way out.   
“Hey hey kid watch out. You must be in hurry to go to somewhere eh? Or to see someone in particular? Haha I know you’re all too giddy to see your special someone but don’t run next time.” 

  
Nurse Minseok giggles at him and Jaemin can’t help but flush a beet red.

  
”I’m sorry nurse Minseok, I’ll get going.”   
Nurse Minseok waves at him and continues his way to the Doctor’s office once again. 

  
Jaemin is more than excited but choses to follow what Nurse Minseok said. He can’t afford to make his condition bad again.

  
He fishes his phone out of his hoodie’s pocket while exiting the hospital to text Jisung. He misses his baby.

  
_Jisungiee~! Are you busy?_

**Sent**

  
He’s about to keep his phone back when it rings. He checks it again and saw Jisung’s name in the caller ID.

  
“Hello Hyung? Hyung, I miss you!” Jaemin smiles at Jisung’s words. 

  
“I missed my baby chick too! Are you busy today?”

  
“Ah no. But, we have no practice until 6pm today. Why?”

  
“I just ended my check up and my doctor told me that I’m allowed to visit you guys now. I’ve been staying at home for 2 months and I only go out for the check ups. I’m so happy that he allowed me to visit you guys!” Jaemin couldn’t keep his happiness while telling Jisung.

  
“That’s good hyung! The hospital is just a ride away from the dorm. Come and visit us! We miss you so much.” 

  
The excitement in the maknae’s voice hyped Jaemin up even more. 

  
“Of course I will. I miss you all too. Wait for me there, I’ll come after maybe 15 minutes? Don’t tell your hyungs though, I want to surprise them.” 

  
“Don’t worry Nana hyung, I’m still here in the practice room, so I really can’t tell them hahaha. I’ll get to the dorm in 15 minutes by walking too so I bet we’ll even meet on our way to the dorm. Take care hyung, I’ll see you in 15 minutes.” And the call ended.

  
Jaemin smiles once more at his screen but the arrival of the bus breaks his stance. He boards the bus and sits nearest to the door.

The bus wasn’t packed with people yet since it wasn’t the rush hour. And it was too late for school and too early for lunch, so there weren’t many people either.

  
When he reached his destination, he gets off almost immediately and walks to the direction of the dorm fast. 

  
I can’t wait to see them OMG, Jaemin says in his thoughts.

  
He’s almost at the entrance when he hears someone yelling his name. He looks at his back and sees a sweaty Jisung running towards him. 

  
“Hyung! Wow, you got here faster than I expected haha.” He hugs Jaemin as soon as he reaches him.

  
“I missed you so much Jisungie, that’s why I rushed to get here. Are the others home?” Jaemin says as soon as they break the hug.

  
“I think so? 127 hyungs have no schedule today too. We’re all having our day off today. Ten hyung said he’ll go out to shop but I think he’s still asleep,  it’s only 10:30 anyways. Hansol hyung got here yesterday from Busan. He said he’ll go to Japan soon to participate in a dance workshop blah blah. Kun hyung got here last week from China too! The company called him again. Everyone is probably here, so your timing is great hyung.” Jisung told him while leading him inside their dorm. 

  
Jaemin smiles at the thought of seeing the whole group complete. Even his Hansol hyung, Ten hyung and Kun hyung!

  
“Hyungs!!!” Jisung yells as soon as they entered the dorm. The living room is empty and clean. Taeyong hyung cleaned, he guesses.

  
“Jisung why are you yelling? Something happened--- JAEMIN!!!!!” A worried Doyoung comes out of his room to see Jaemin standing in their living room. 

  
His scream probably triggered everyone else since one by one they came out rushing towards Jaemin. 

  
Donghyuck, Mark and Chenle came running almost immediately when they heard the hyungs screaming Jaemin’s name. 

  
“JAEMIN HYUNG OMAYGAHD.”

  
“NA FUCKING JAEMIN! BROOOOOO!I KNOW YOU’VE MISSED ME COME ER--” Donghyuck almost tackled Jaemin if Yuta and Mark wasn’t there to stop him.

He collects himself and goes to Jaemin rather calmly.

  
“I don’t miss you Hyuck, we’ve been texting these past few days!”

Jaemin lies but ofcourse, everyone doesn’t take it seriously because they all laugh when Donghyuck “tries” to pout.

  
“Nana hyung! I’ve missed you.” Chenle pushes donghyuck out and hooks his arm with Jaemin’s. 

  
Jaemin melts at Chenle’s cuteness.   
“Lele I missed you too.” He pats the younger’s head. 

  
The members ask Jaemin random things like “are you fully recovered now” or “will you visit us more often” which Jaemin answers whole-heartedly. 

  
He catches a glimpse of a tall someone’s head poking out from the other members head. He jumps on him as soon as he’s near which causes everyone to coo.

  
“Hansol hyunggg~ Long time no see.”

Jaemin buries his head into his tall hyung’s chest.

  
“I know, I’ve missed you too nana.” Hansol then places a light kiss on the smaller’s head. 

  
Jaemin hears Yuta cough so he detaches himself from his hyung. A jealous Yuta is the last thing he wants to see right now. 

  
He looks around to see if everyone was there. He counted up to 14, meaning there were two heads missing. 

  
“Where’s Jeno and Renjun?” He asks no one in particular. 

  
His smile washed off his face when no one answers him. Everyone looked down, avoiding his eyes. Everyone except Chenle.

  
“They’re on the rooftop. Doing… things.” Chenle answers him rather flatly. His grin wasn’t  present and the other members look at him with their eyes stretched widely, as if Chenle said something that he shouldnt, which alarms Jaemin even more. 

  
Something is wrong here. 

  
Jaemin didn’t give the other members a chance to stop him as he runs out of their dorm to the stairs that leads him to the rooftop. 

  
He wants to know what they were up to. He wants to know if his suspicions were true. He wants to end every doubt in his mind.

  
He didn’t see the other members following him so he just continued his way up. 

  
While he was on it, he keeps telling himself that everything was fine. That there was nothing wrong with Jeno and Renjun being all alone on the rooftop, “doing things”. 

  
He arrives at the door and he opens it forcefully. 

  
The perfect mixture of the cold February air and warm sunlight greets him. 

  
Jaemin should’ve appreciated it if he didn’t just see his boyfriend, Lee Jeno, lying on top of the ever beautiful Huang Renjun - faces inches away from each other. 

  
The two separated as soon as Jaemin came into the view. 

  
But unfortunately, Jaemin still saw them. 

  
_And he wish that he didn’t._

 

 

_\------------_

 


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter of Jaemin's sorrow. We all miss him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to make this as a 4-5 chapter fic rather than ending it as a two-shot. Don't worry I already wrote chap 3 so you don't really have to wait for it. It'll be up soon!

_Jeno was Jaemin’s best friend, even before they got into a relationship. They were attached to the hip. They used to do things together. They trained together and they ate together, shop together, play together, study together- even though Jeno was the only one who’s really studying because Jaemin finds it more fun to stare at his face the whole time than studying their lessons._

 

_They were roommates too. Sometimes, Jaemin would climb on Jeno’s bed rather than his own because sleeping with Jeno is warmer, he reasoned out. His best friend would cuddle him until he fell asleep, kissing his temple before closing his own eyes._

 

_They started dating on the first month of their high school. Jaemin knew that he was gay way back to his elementary days when he found his male classmates more attractive than his female classmates trying hard to act cute. He was open about his sexuality, and the members accepted him fully. What he never knew though was Jeno’s sexuality. He never knew he was bisexual until the older asked him out while they were having lunch on the rooftop of their school, avoiding their fans’ watching eyes._

 

_It was nothing too dramatic. Just Jeno casually telling Jaemin that he likes him and asking him if he wanna go out with Jeno after swallowing the kimbap that he was chewing. Nothing too dramatic at all, it was just Jaemin choking on his rice and Jeno laughing at him first before actually helping him._

 

_Although uncertain, Jaemin accepted Jeno. He was not sure about Jeno’s feelings, heck he wasn’t even sure if Jeno was really bisexual because he only ever had his eyes on girls before. Jaemin wasn’t sure of all that but he dated Jeno nonetheless because he was sure of one thing. **He likes Jeno too.**_

_The whole group was happy for them, even their manager knew about it. Their treatment towards each other didn’t change that much at all. They still do things normally, like how they used to before they dated. Except the kisses behind closed doors, the whispers of I love you-s and the extra attention that they gave each other._

 

_Their families weren’t even surprised when they delivered the news to them. The Lee household loves Jaemin like their own son, and they were happy that Jeno finally came out to them. Mrs. Na was also joyous when her son broke it to her over a phone call they shared one night after Jaemin’s practice._

 

_They fight sometimes, mostly due to Jaemin’s childishness and Jeno’s fondness for teasing Jaemin. But Jaemin can’t even stay mad at Jeno for a day. They always make up immediately, with extra cheesiness on top._

 

_Their relationship wasn’t perfect, but it was magical. It was like fireworks, beautiful but short-lived. Jaemin never predicted it to end so soon. He was caught at the moment, mesmerized by how colourful the lights shone brightly in the darkness of the sky. Until the lights died out, suffocating smoke took over and darkness once again welcomed him. He wasn’t prepared to let go, but he did because it’s the only choice for him._

 

It was the thunder that willed Jaemin away from his destructive thoughts. He peeked out of his window and he was greeted by a heavy storm. Thick droplets of rain, strong wind that was rocking the branches of the tree on their backyard, the gray clouds shielding out the sunlight, the thunders that echoed inside Jaemin’s room, the lightning stroked every now and then. It was like mocking him. He closed his curtains, pissed. 

 

He laid down once again, noticing his iron man wall clock flashing a time between 11 pm to 12 am, Jaemin wasn’t sure. His vision was glassy, his eyes were sore. 

 

He’s been like this, miserable, for the past two days since he left the dorm with tears in his eyes. His mom never questioned him after he got home, not when he slammed his room’s door, not when he refused to come out for dinner. And Jaemin was thankful that his mom never asked anything because he’ll just probably break down in front of his mom once more, he can’t afford that. 

 

Jaemin hates letting people see him crying. He hates it when they see him sad. He’s known for being the brightest, and having others to see him like this scares him.

 

He texted Jeno that night, he was breaking up with him. Jaemin was expecting him to reply, apologize, telling him that it was all a misunderstanding. But no, he didn’t. He read the text, but Jaemin never received his reply. Maybe Jaemin cried some more the morning after, maybe he had the urge to call Jeno, ask an explanation from him, maybe he really did, and maybe the older ignored his calls. Jaemin can’t remember clearly. 

 

 He can’t remember anything clearly except that one scene that kept replaying on his mind. Lee Jeno almost lying on top of Huang Renjun, with only his arms supporting him to avoid crushing the older boy under him. Their eyes were connected, Jaemin saw how Jeno looked directly unto Renjun’s own, how his eyes sparkled like they usually did when he looked into Jaemin’s before. Their lips were inches away from each other, and if asked, Jaemin would be petty and blame gravity for pulling Jeno’s lips closer to Renjun’s. 

 

That image keeps haunting Jaemin, making him stay awake the whole night until his eyelids collapse in exhaustion. It’s making his insides uncomfortable, like there’s someone squeezing all his organs dry. He has been hurting not only emotionally but also physically that his chest has been constricting in pain that he actually had difficulties breathing yesterday. But it all stopped that night. His eyes dried, not because he stopped crying but because he probably ran out of tears. His chest stopped hurting.

 

**He** j **ust felt numb, empty, tired.**

 

Jaemin’s mind was full of questions. Why did Jeno do that? Does he not love Jaemin anymore? Is Jaemin not enough? Is he ugly? Is Jaemin that disposable? Is Renjun a better lover than him? Did the other members know? Why did they hide it from him? Why didn’t they ever say a word? Did they ever value Jaemin’s feelings? Again, Jaemin wasn’t sure.

 

He was pulled out from his thoughts once again when heard his phone dinged. He stayed still, contemplating on checking it or not. He recovered it from his bedside table after deciding that it might be worth the effort. 

 

He opened his phone and immediately regretted when the light hit his eyes, and when he saw his lock screen. His and Jeno’s image smiling at him happily greeted him. It was taken during their rookie days, when they weren’t together yet, when everything was still fine, when they were still happy. 

 

He proceeded with unlocking his phone, inputting his password that was 1213: their combined SM Rookie numbers.

 

He found a few texts from his classmates, telling him their lessons for the day so Jaemin could study on his own, and he was thankful that they were very considerate to him. He found two miss calls too, one from Chani and one from Mark. 

 

Kang Chanhee, SF9’s Chani, Signal’s Chani, Jaemin knew him. The slightly older idol is his friend, the closest friend that Jaemin has that’s not working under SM. You can say that other than Jeno and Haechan, Chani is the next person who’s always ready to support him. They met on their first year in High School. They were both dance majors, and they had a mutual sunbae friend that lead to them knowing each other. Jeno wasn’t really fond of the older that he kept expressing extreme displeasure every time he sees Jaemin hanging out with Chani. 

 

Their friendship wasn’t really known to public, and they decided to keep it that way. Chanhee might be the baby in SF9 but when he’s with Jaemin, he can’t help but pamper the younger. He’s always there for Jaemin, even when Jaemin stopped coming to school due to his injury, Chani never failed to maintain the communication between the two of them. He often sends messages just to ask how Jaemin was, he calls him at least twice a week, and even visits Jaemin when he has no schedule. 

 

It seems to be the perfect timing for Chani to call, Jaemin needs a friend right at the moment and he knows that the the older is all ears when it comes to him. Despite all that, Jaemin chose to call back Mark instead. 

 

He wanted answers to his questions and he wanted to hear it directly from their leader. Jaemin just wanted to know why they betrayed him. 

 

It didn’t take long for Mark’s line to connect, like he was waiting for the call. Jaemin’s lips quivered momentarily before he could force himself to mutter a broken “Hello?”

 

The other line was silent before the brown-haired boy heard a hesitant “H-hello, Nana?”

 

Jaemin’s breath hitched, just listening to Mark’s voice made him teary. It was his first conversation with someone after that incident in their dorm. It made Jaemin feel like human. Something he didn’t feel for the past two days. He shut everyone out, even his mom, never talking to anyone at all.

 

“M-mark-hyung. W-hy did you c-call.” Jaemin manage to form the breathy sentence after a bit of effort.

 

_Silence_. 

 

Mark was silent again, and Jaemin decided that the older’s probably being careful of his words. Mark was always the considerate one. The leader who never wants to hurt anybody’s feelings. One thing Jaemin liked about Mark is that he’s awkward, but that’s only because he choose his words first before launching them, making sure that they’re just as harmless as he wants them to be. 

 

“I…..I just wanted to check on you. I didn’t call you that night since I guessed you wanted some time? But I can’t sleep because I was worried about you. So I decided to call you tonight.” Jaemin heard from the other line, although it was almost close to a whisper. 

 

“I’m not fine.” Jaemin blurted out before he could stop himself, only to realize that it was insensitive of him to say that to someone who’s worried about him. He wasn’t lying though.

 

“Jaemin I-”

 

“ ** _Why didn’t you tell me?_** ” The brunette asked, cutting Mark’s sentence.

 

The leader didn’t answer immediately, it was a hard question. It was one that would either be left unanswered or would hurt the already wrecked Jaemin.

 

“N-nana… I don’t know what’s up with Jeno and Renjun. I swear! I thought they were just really close friends. What you saw that day, it was my first time hearing it too! We asked them about it but they won’t say anything. B-but we knew one thing…”

 

The younger literally chuckled. “So you’re not totally innocent with all this?” He questioned using a sweet sharp tone. He heard the older sighed.

 

“I’m not bailing myself out of this mess or the other members. We knew something, but Jeno asked us not to tell you. We knew that he was ignoring you Jae, but we listened to his reason and it seemed acceptable. I can’t tell you though, I promised him. And that promise is still up. He’s the one who needs to explain to you, we can’t just say something. We’ve been trying to make him talk to you after that day, but he won’t budge. I think he’ll finish the promotions first before talking to you, please bear with him a little bit more Nana.” Mark explained, not letting Jaemin cut him off once more.

 

The latter was fuming. Not liking the fact that Mark chose to keep his promise to Jeno instead of telling Jaemin the truth. “You’re still siding with him, hyung! I’m hurting right now but you can’t tell me what you know because of your goddamn promise with that cheater! And you’re telling me what? Wait until your promotions finish? You mean I’ll need to hang on for a month? Do you even know how much it hurts? I feel like dying now, hyung! Y’all turned your back against me and you’re tolerating Jeno, we broke up, I saw one of my group member who’s practically my brother almost kissing him and no one wants to tell me anything! I feel so alone and shattered, Hyung! _**I trusted y’all. I trusted Jeno, Renjun, you, I trusted everyone. But all I got is this…”**_

 

Jaemin’s chest was writhing with pain, fresh warm tears streamed down his cheeks. He waited for this moment. For someone to talk to him so he can finally unload every sentiment that he was keeping to himself. He was like a bomb, just waiting to explode. And Mark just happened to be that perfect unlucky someone. 

 

Jaemin could hear Mark’s heavy breathing. It made him feel bad, the older didn’t deserve Jaemin’s wrath. He’s not the one who cheated on Jaemin. But he felt betrayed, and he couldn’t accept the fact that the hyung he trusted so much, chose to consider Jeno’s request than considering Jaemin’s feelings. 

 

Mark couldn’t find any words to answer Jaemin. He could feel the younger’s pain in his words, and he badly wished he was there to hug and comfort his dongsaeng. Jaemin had always been their brightest member, always smiling, always positive in every task. It was the first time that he ever heard the dancer’s outburst. The blonde felt useless. He’s the leader and the eldest in their unit, he’s responsible for everyone, but right now he can’t even do anything for Jaemin. 

 

The crying male inhaled sharply after a few moments of silence shared between the two. “You know what, hyung, I’m so tired. All these things that happened to me, I’m sick of it. I need time to think, time for myself. My waist is getting better. I’ve talked to manager hyung last time. He told me that if I’m already well by then, I can join the next comeback of NCT Dream after this one. Before that happens, let’s not contact each other. Tell that to the other members too. Since I won’t be getting an explanation from Jeno until the end of this promotions, I’ll need to use that time to fix myself too. I’ll talk to our manager regarding to my health and other matters, there’s no need for you to check on me. Hopefully, everything will get better when I come back hyung. Goodluck on your comeback.”

 

“Jaemin no, please don’t cut us off you know the hyungs would worry about you alot, and us too. We can talk about this--”

 

“No hyung. You granted Jeno’s request because you said his explanation was valid, whatever that is. Please grant mine too. Pretend that Na Jaemin doesn’t exist, just until I get back. That way, you won’t have to worry about me. Goodnight, hyung.” Jaemin ended the call with a smile, a bitter one, even though he knew that the older can’t see that.

 

He was crying, nose clogged, his eyes puffy. Jaemin was tired. He’s tired of crying, pitying himself. He wanted to forget them, the people who hurt him. He wanted them to forget him too. Because he felt like they were happy without him. He hoped he didn’t visit them that day. Maybe he won’t hurt this much. Maybe his members won’t feel guilty. Maybe they’ll live and sleep sound, without thinking about Jaemin. If he didn’t just visit them, maybe he was still thinking about Jeno, thinking that he might be unhappy with him. Maybe his questions would be left unanswered, and Jaemin figured that maybe, he wanted that more than this pain.

 

**_Maybe he didn’t really want to know._ **

  
Shaking, he dialled a number. A number that belonged to a person that was close to Jaemin’s heart. He avoided confiding on this person, but right now he knew he needed him. 

 

It didn’t take for the other line to connect, which was surprising because he expected him to be asleep by now. “Jaemin-ah? Thank God you called! I’ve been calling you since yesterday why aren’t you answering sunshine? You scared me--”

 

**_“Chani hyung… I’m lonely.”_ **

**_____________________________ **

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So hello guys! It's been awhile since I updated this because I had trouble sorting the plot out lmao.  Also, let's welcome the new character Sf9's Chani! To make it clear, I'm not sure if Jaemin and Chani even meet at school lol but theyre both in SOPA and theyre both 00liners and theyre both dance majors too so I really really hope they do meet in school TT. 
> 
>  
> 
> P.S. Nomin shippers be writing angst lmao Don't worry fam, Nomin will prevail hahahaha. Hi sunbae you inspired me to finish this! Clay unnie thanks for the beta and for the advice I love you~ Everyone, please let me know your thoughts about this update I'll be delighted to read them ♡♡♡♡
> 
>  
> 
> -Ros ♡


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's payback time, Lee Jeno.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARK LEE!
> 
> This was not beta'd at all since I finished this as quickly as I could, please forgive all the errors. I'm also unsatisfied with this one so Its fine if you don't like this update and I'd like to hear your thoughts :))

“Jeno is a perfect boyfriend. I never expected this to happen Jaemin-ah. Im sorry.” 

 

Jaemin raised an eyebrow at Chani’s statement. He’s pissed, not at Chani, but at how wrong he constructed his sentence. 

  
“Correction, Jeno **was**  a perfect boyfriend. He **was**  perfect, but he obviously cheated on me. He **was** my boyfriend, but I already sent him a break-up text last night and he already read it, he didn’t reply though but who cares it’s not like he has a right to refuse. So yeah you should do something about your tenses cause….”

 

The slightly older of the two chuckled at how furious Jaemin sounded while he continued ranting about the same topic for the 8th time today. He’s cute when he does that so Chani just let him be.

 

They were sitting on their favorite spot in their favorite cafe, drinking cappuccino that the younger loves so much while talking about the incident yesterday. There were not much people there at that time because it’s near their school and most of the customers were students, who were probably in their classes right now since its just 2 in the afternoon. This is why they love it here, no one would recognize them so there’s no need to cover their faces. They just gotta pick the right time to hang out. 

 

Chani rushed to that cafe when he got a call from a gloomy Jaemin that morning even though they still have practice for their upcoming comeback. Talking about priorities. 

 

Jaemin is Chani’s bestfriend. They met on their first year in high school where they’re both dance majors at SOPA together with Jeno and Hina. The other two were not that close to Chani, but Jaemin and him got inseparable especially when they’re at school. Not much fans know about this but they’re happy about it and they have no plans on broadcasting their friendship.

 

Jaemin got donghyuck and jeno, Chani only has Jaemin so he values the younger so much and it pains him to hear that Jeno cheated on his precious Nana. But as much as he wants to give that cheater some punches, Jaemin told him not to do anything about it so he’s staying still. All he can do right now is comfort his bestfriend, even though he knows that it won’t take the younger’s pain. 

 

“Hey are you even listening?” Jaemin’s irritated voice broke Chani’s chain of thoughts. He smiled when he saw how knitted the brow-haired boy’s eyebrows were. He can’t help but bring his hands at Jaemin’s head to ruffle his brown locks. The latter didn’t even budge and just allowed Chani’s antics.

 

“I’m just thinking of how to make you happy, you’ve been stressed since Jeno turned cold on you. I’m worried about you I want my bright Nana back.” Chani admitted while caressing Jaemin’s hair. There’s a sad smile painted on his lips.

  
Jaemin looked up to see Chani’s face. He smiled back when he finally caught the older’s eyes. He’s thankful that Chanhee is there for him. He can’t bother Donghyuck right now since he’s preparing for a comeback, and he’s kindda mad at the older too. 

  
He didn’t even receive a call from him after he ran out of the dorm. He didn’t receive a call or text when he got home and got scolded by his mother for running. He didn’t receive a call or text from literally any of the members when he cried to sleep that night. Well except his hansol hyung who texted him that he shouldn’t come back to the dorm to avoid commotion and that he’ll be the one to visit the younger soon. And yeah his Taeyong hyung who sent him a text asking if he’s fine and if he got home safely which he read the morning after. 

 

He was expecting Jeno to call him after he sent him a break up text too. Tell him that everything was just a big misunderstanding and that he’s not cheating on Jaemin, beg for him to come back but no. He didn’t. Only proved the fact that he’s nothing to Jeno now. Jaemin’s heart was so battered that it got him worried if it’ll still function well. 

 

Jaemin didn’t tell his mom about the break up because he knew that it’ll affect Mrs. Na more than it should. The woman loves her son so much. 

 

All that Jaemin got now is Chani. Sure they only met last year, but he was there for Jaemin through that one year. He never left Jaemin’s side, even when he’s busy with school and promotions, he never failed to visit and check on Jaemin regularly. 

 

  
 “You know what; you should’ve just dated me instead of that asshole.” He suggested, before laughing at his own stupid remark.

 

  
It was a joke made by Chani, but it made Jaemin think that his friend was right. Really, he should’ve dated him instead. 

 

  
Jaemin can’t help but laugh too, “You’re too good for me.” He smiled genuinely at the other boy before drinking from his coffee. 

 

  
He saw him shrugged before finishing his own cup off. “The people around me keep telling me that. I’m too good for them that’s why they can’t date me. That’s just so unfair you know.” He poutily complained. “My hyungs keep teasing me about not being in a relationship my whole life. They’ve been pestering me to get myself a girlfriend it’s getting annoying.”

 

  
Jaemin grinned at his friend; he surely is the maknae in his group. He kept acting childish at times. 

 

  
“Introduce me to them then, so they would stop teasing you already. Besides, I’m single now, I can already help you with that.” Jaemin offered casually, as if it was the most normal thing to do. 

 

  
Chani was fast to look up at his bestfriend. Was the younger being serious? “You’ll seriously do that?” he questioned, still doubtful that the other was just messing with him. 

 

  
“Well, I mean you’ve been constantly complaining about your hyungs teasing you so why not help you out? I’m on a break, I can’t go back and visit my members, I just broke up with my ex-boyfriend. I don’t have anything good to do with my life as of the moment so why not lend a hand to a person that has always been there for me? It’s not like I’ll do anything extra, you’ll just introduce me to them so they’ll finally stop pestering you.” Jaemin explained, while staring at his in-awed friend. 

 

  
It wasn’t like he’ll do Chani a big favor, but the visible delight on the older’s face made Jaemin feel self-satisfied. Atleast he got to return all the comfort that Chani provided him all these time. 

 

  
“Jeno will kill me if he knows about this.” Chani silently muttered, more to himself than to Jaemin but the younger heard him nonetheless. 

 

  
Jaemin smiled a painful one, he would really appreciate if Chani stop mentioning about the boy that Jaemin loved—which he still loves.

 

  
“Why would he? It’s not like he still care about me. He’s probably happy that I finally broke up with him. I wonder if he’s having a great time with Renjun as we speak.”

 

  
The idea of Jeno and Renjun being together made Jaemin’s heart swell once more. Call him masochist for bringing up a scenario which he knew would just break his heart but he couldn’t just stop thinking about Jeno.

 

  
By the end of his sentence, a tear escaped from Jaemin’s eyes. And then another, and another, and another one until he began sobbing. Fresh series of tears flowed on his beautiful face. Pain reflected on his eyes and it pierced Chani’s heart. 

 

He stood from his seat and came kneel on the side pf Jaemin’s seat. He took out his handkerchief and wiped Jaemin’s tear-stained cheeks. But it didn’t really helped because more ters dropped from his eyes. Chani sighed and took Jaemin’s hands too cares them. 

 

“Jaemin-ah, after today I don’t ever want to see you cry again. I’ll do everything to make you happy again. I’m here for you don’t worry.” He hugged his bestfriend and whispered him comforting words. The younger is nothing but a ball of loveliness and kindness. Chani doesn’t understand how someone could ever hurt him. 

 

Jaemin nodded on Chani’s shoulders. He just wanted to forget Jeno now. 

 

  
Jaemin was excited. He was going to watch the first comeback stage of SF9 today their first mini album Burning Sensation in MCountdown. Chani was the one who personally invited him so he can’t say no. 

 

He was fully aware that it’s NCT DREAM’s first comeback stage too with their first mini album, The First. It’s their first album and Jaemin couldn’t even participate. He’s happy for the group. But he can’t help but feel upset that his unit would go up and perform without him. 

 

He informed their manager that he’ll go watch today’s Mcountdown and he received a Go-signal from him so he thinks its fine to go. He knew that there’s a huge possibility that he’ll meet the members there too. Not just NCT Dream but also NCT 127 who had their comeback last month and are still promoting with Limitless. Jaemin was happy that he’ll meet them for it has been weeks since he last saw them or ever contacted with them, but ofcourse he’ll meet Lee Jeno too. 

 

He got a strong feeling that he’ll meet Jeno today. And he hoped he was mentally and emotionally prepared. Honestly, Jaemin was nervous but Chani assured him that he’ll be there for him so it helped calming his nerves. 

 

He was dressed casually and neatly. Nothing to extra to avoid attention from fans. But he picked his clothes carefully, wanting to still look good. Chani promised him that he’ll introduce Jaemin to the rest of SF9 members so he wanted to impress them atleast. 

 

He went out of their house after bidding his mom goodbye and walked to the nearest bus stop and waited for the bus that’ll take him to Mnet’s studio. It arrived sooner than he expected but he boarded anyways. 

 

He chose the furthest seat and opened the window to receive the morning breeze. He took his mask out and wore it just in case a fan sees him. He wore his earphones and listened to some the latest songs that came out this month. He then sent Chani a text informing him that he was on the way. A smile crept to his face when his bestfriend replied with a warm “Okay, travel safely bub :)” after a minute. 

 

Jaemin appreciated how the other always makes time for him. Even when he’s busy with work and school, he never failed to message and respond to Jaemin. They can’t go out much, but Jaemin’s happy that atleast the older pays attention to him.

 

His thoughts lingered to when Jeno and him were still together. They used to be inseparable. When there’s Jaemin, there’s Jeno too. They sleep, train, study, eat, shop and play together. Until he got injured, until he started begging for Jeno’s attention. Until their relationship went on a drain. Until he caught Jeno with someone else. 

 

Jaemin knew that the last moments of his and Jeno’s relationship were not pleasant to remember. They were full of loneliness, longing, pain and tears. Jeno doesn’t care about Jaemin anymore. He threw him away like a trash at disposal. Unlike Chani, who only ever gave him happy memories, Jeno gave him more heartaches than love. 

 

He arrived 30 minutes later. Fans crowded outside the building, probably waiting to get in. It’s a relief that it wasn’t starting yet and Jaemin still had time to say hi to Chani before their stage. He wore his cap as he texted Chani again that hewas waiting outside. 

 

After a few minutes a guy who seemed to be their manager came to pick him up and told him that Chani asked him to help Jaemin enter because he was still having his makeup done to which Jaemin nodded. The manager guided him to the back door where staffs and personnel are the only ones who are allowed to pass and brought him in front of SF9’s waiting room. The manager muttered something about checking the stage outside before telling Jaemin to go inside alone and going off after saying goodbye. 

 

Jaemin blinked twice as a habit before collecting his self and knocking on the door. It cracked open and revealed a tall handsome guy smiling genuinely at him. He remembered hearing his Doyoung hyung working with this giant. 

 

“Hello, I suppose you’re Jaemin? Chani’s umm bestfriend? Come in, he’s getting his makeup done right now.” He said as he ushered Jaemin inside. The younger took small shy steps, feeling another 8 pairs of eyes on him the moment he entered the room. 

 

_“Aww he’s so cute I wanna squish him.”_

 

_“I know right! Chani-yah! Why didn’t you introduce him to us before! He’s so pretty.”_

 

_“Are all NCT Dream members this adorable? I was already out of SM when they came to train what a pity.”_

 

Jaemin felt his cheeks heating up with all the compliments he was receiving. He was not used to getting coo-ed at by strangers.

 

“Yah yah yah! Stopped harassing him hyungs!” A familiar voice chirped in and Jaemin felt a warm arms snaking around his waist. He looked over his shoulders just to see his ever gorgeous knight smiling down at him. He blushed even more. 

 

  
“Chani’s right. You didn’t even introduce yourselves first.” One of them scolded, he got the leader feels and Jaemin saw how the other members listened to him. He turned to Jaemin and smiled kindly that made Jaemin remember his Taeyong hyung. “I’m sorry about them Jaemin-ssi, they were just excited to meet you. I’m youngbin by the way, the leader of the group. It’s nice to meet you.” The older then offered his hand which Jaemin accepted and shook lightly. 

 

 

The other members followed in introducing themselves too. And Jaemin learned that the tallest was Rowoon, a friend of his Doyoung hyung and the other three who threw compliments at him were Jaeyoon, Dawon and Inseong. 

 

 

Jaemin can’t help but get amused at how hyper the group were. They talked loudly, teased each other and played games to no end. Jaemin laughed so much when Dawon showed his personal talents. He enjoyed talking to Taeyang too, who loves dancing as much as he does. 

 

 

Soon enough they were called for their pre-recording. The 9 boys along with their manager scurried outside the room with Jaemin in his mask and cap tailing behind them. He only planned on watching at the side along with the staffs so he could blend with them and avoid the fans. The fans could recognize him so he needed to be extra careful. It’s nct dream’s comeback too, so it’s also his fans to begin with. 

 

 

SF9 went up while he stayed at his chosen spot. The group recorded their performance while Jaemin cheered and chanted along with Fantasy, SF9’s fandom. He was seriously having fun watching. He thought about how they performed and recorded like that too, when they were still promoting Chewing Gum.

 

 

The group had 2 more takes after the first one and they were done. Jaemin must have clapped the hardest because Chani turned to him and waved before they were given the signal to exit the stage. 

 

 

The maknae ran down first, not minding his rowoon hyung’s “Hey, slow down kid” and a few more coos from the other members.

 

Jaemin chuckled at his “fake” boyfriend’s excitement and patted his head as soon as he got near to where Jaemin was standing. Chani looked around to see if there’s someone looking and proceeded to putting his arms around Jaemin’s shoulders when he already made sure that the coast was clear. 

 

“How was my performance angel? Have you watched well? I looked so cool right?” the older joked as he dragged Jaemin back to their dressing room, following the other members who were already heading to the direction of the hallway.   
The pretty boy giggled at the pet name, ignoring the puking sounds that Dawon was making. “You were really good. I honestly think you should stop winking like that though. The fans drooled over you! You’re just 17 you shouldn’t mess with our emotions like this!” Jaemin ranted with a pout that Chani found really adorable. 

  
Pretending to be Chani’s boyfriend wasn’t even that hard since they already talk like this ever since they became friends, Chani calling Jaemin different pet names and being all greasy. All the skinships came out naturally too, since they’re both clingy with each other in nature. If you’d ask Jaemin, he was actually enjoying this job. 

 

“Aww cupcake was affected by my wink. Should I do it more often and more privately?” Chani teased, eyebrows wiggling. 

 

 

Hwiyoung stopped walking and faced them with a scowl on his face. “Okay so I know you guys are a new couple but can’t you tone the sweet talk for a bit, I’m close to puking rainbows and unicorns.”

 

 

Jaemin was supposed to retort but was stopped when a painfully familiar voice from their back harshly piped in. **“I’m sorry. Who’s the new couple again?”**

 

 

And Jaemin didn’t want to face the owner of the voice. He didn’t want to look back. **But he did,**

 

_**and he wished he didn’t.** _

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take note that I just made up Chani and Jaemin's friendship, but I really do hope Chani and Jaemin are friends in real life ♡♡♡ Please dont hate me for putting ChanMin here lmaaaao theyre cutieeesss an they're both my ults. Dont worry Nomin will come soon, hold on your seats. ;)
> 
> P.S. I might have a suprise fic for yall after Jaemin's birthday who knows :)
> 
>  
> 
> -Ros ♡


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if its short and shitty, I wrote this for just 30 minutes :((( This chapter is  like a bridge for the previous and the next chapters which are already the last two chapters. Our midterms exam will be tomorrow too so I needed to post this before I study. I decided to wrap this story up first before I continue my other two fics cos its been while since I started writing this. Thank you for reading, I'd like to hear your thoughts so please do leave comments and suggestions ^_^
> 
>  
> 
> -Ros ♡♡♡

“I’m sorry. Who’s the new couple again?” 

 

Jaemin gathered all his courage for him to be able to look back to that awfully familiar voice. It was the voice of someone that he truly missed. It’s the voice of the person he loves, the person who hurt him. The voice of the person he wanted to forget but he just can’t. 

 

 

Lee Jeno.

 

There he was, looking as dashing as ever. He looked pissed. His eyebrows were creased and his eyes were sharp, cutting Jaemin’s healing heart into pieces. His lips were pressed into a thin line. 

 

Jaemin trailed his eyes down to his broad shoulders, his much leaner biceps, his bulkier chest. He grew taller, probably taller than Jaemin. His green highlights complemented his black hair, which made him more gorgeous. 

 

It has been awhile since he saw him. He had been avoiding any news about their unit, not even watching their music video and opening his SNS to check their comeback. He wanted to forget them, but it was completely impossible. His mind still constantly reminding him how useless he was and how Jeno and everyone else betrayed him. 

 

He never knew that he was holding his breath until he felt an arm around his shoulders, supporting him from dropping. 

 

“It’s okay Nana-min, you got me.” Chani whispered closely into his ear.

 

That’s when he felt his knees wobbling, his breathing uneven. Jeno still affects him, massively.

 

“Us. I mean, Jaemin and I. Why, you got a problem with that?” It was Chani who answered Jeno when he figured that Jaemin wasn’t on his right state of mind to answer his ex. 

 

Chani’s words were laced with venom, he was obviously as pissed as Jeno.   
Jaemin was trembling. He got alot to say to the older, but that moment he just turned mute. He was weak under Jeno’s angry gaze, he admits that. 

 

 

Chani tightened his hold on Jaemin when he felt the younger tremble. He was worried about him, he knew facing someone who hurt him so bad would affect Jaemin, given that the heartbreak was still fresh. 

 

It irked Chani, how brave Jeno was in approaching Jaemin after what he have done to the younger. 

 

Jaemin looked up to Chani when the older words sunk. He just told Jeno that they’re together even though they’re really not. Jaemin didn’t know if he should be thankful or mad. 

 

He shifted his gaze unto Jeno who was standing right in front of his very eyes. For a moment he looked sorrowful, but his expression turned into a scowl, obviously displeased with what Chani said. 

 

“Really? Last time I checked he’s still my boyfriend.” 

 

Jaemin’s eyes widened at his ex’s words. Just what the hell was Jeno saying? Chani’s reaction was nothing different too. Disbelief was written on both males’ faces.

 

“He broke up with you when he caught you cheating on him, remember?” Chani uttered smugly after he recovered from the shock.

 

Jeno tousled his hair a bit before offering as smirk. “But I didn’t agree, did I? Relationships are two-way trips. You can’t just decide on your own, Nana.” He lectured. “And you, admitting that you’re in a relationship with this jerk is like cheating on me, isn't it?”

 

Jaemin’s fist clenched at the older’s words. Jeno was so cruel. Was hurting Jaemin his favorite hobby now? He even got the nerve to accuse Jaemin of his own doings.

 

“Are you happy seeing me miserable Jeno? Is seeing me happy pissing you that much? Do you really need to hurt me again and again? Play with my feelings like I’m a damn doll?”Jaemin quietly questioned, anger rising from his chest. 

 

Jeno was obviously taken aback with the younger’s questions. He was about to answer when Jaemin walked towards him and gave him a hard slap. 

 

The clear sound of a palm landing on Jeno’s cheek left Chani agape. He was about to pull Jaemin back in fear of Jeno hurting him too when he heard the younger talk. 

 

“That’s for making me look like a fool all these time. For ignoring me and for treating me sht. That’s for the thousand bucket of tears that I spilled because of you. That’s for all the pain you’ve caused me.” Jaemin begun throwing light punches unto Jeno’s chest while the older just stood there, receiving Jaemin’s fist not even dodging once. 

 

“We were bestfriends even before we got together. How could you do that to me?! Am I really nothing to you now? Are my feelings that unimportant? Say something!” Jaemin continued punching Jeno’s chest while tears started spilling out of his eyes. He was a sobbing mess and the two other males just watched him silently. 

 

“I-- I… I can’t tell you yet Nana…” Jeno softly told the crying boy before casting his head low. 

 

Jaemin stopped punching the older’s chest and looked at him in horror. Was the older being serious right now? Despite seeing Jaemin in this state he still wont tell him anything?

 

Guess he really doesn’t value his feelings anymore. 

 

He chuckled bitterly, leaving the two confused. 

 

“Let’s break up for real. As you’ve said, Relationships are two-way trips. I love you but I don’t feel like you even love me back, so let’s break up. I don’t need your say on this, I don’t want to be with you anymore.” Jaemin boldly muttered, heart numbing in pain. He didn’t care anymore, all he knew was that he needed to get out of Jeno’s life, atleast for now. 

 

Jeno shook his head and opened his mouth to disagree but was stopped when he heard a certain soft voice calling him. 

 

“Jeno-yah, we’re next on stage.” It was Renjun. His kind eyes lingered on Jaemin, showing a mixture of what seemed pity and guilt. 

 

Jaemin eyed the red-head as he neared Jeno’s figure, placing a hand on his shoulder to get his attention. 

 

The ever beautiful Huang Renjun. Jaemin wanted to get mad at him, but he just can’t. Instead he just let jealousy eat him alive and willed his tears as he watched the two.   
Renjun didn’t even greet him, but that was probably because Mark told them Jaemin’s request already. 

 

He stood there, staring at the two with sorrow, not noticing how Jeno looked at him with longing. 

 

Jeno’s eyes was full of unsaid messages, wanting to deliver something to Jaemin. With a heavy heart he started to retreat, letting Renjun drag him as they retreated to their dressing room. 

 

Renjun kept quiet the whole time but alot of thoughts was running through his mind. He just saw the two important people in his life hurting themselves. It pained him too, not being able to do anything to help them.   
He sighed as he landed his gaze over the male walking besides him. Jeno looked regretful, miserable.

 

He wanted to change this unfortunate situation they were in. 

 

 

He wished he could just make the two happy again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you want me or end this angsty or happily? Hahahahahah
> 
> -Ros ♡♡♡


	5. Five

 

 

 

 

“If you don’t confess to her soon, other guys will go sweep her feet off the ground. I swear you won’t hear me comforting you. It’ll be your fault anyways.” Jaemin nonchalantly muttered to the stressed Chani flopped on the younger’s bed crying like a dying whale. 

 

The brunet was eating the ice cream Chani bought for him, sitting comfortably on his study table’s chair. It was the older’s day off after a month-long promotion for “Roar”, their comeback song which was released last February. 

 

Jaemin was proud of Chani. His friend endured it well, finishing the promotion cleanly without any injuries. SF9’s choreography has always been tiring since they debuted, Jaemin had observed. As a dancer himself, he knows it was hard especially that SF9 is a big group with 9 members. 

 

He sighed in contentment as the cool choco flavored treat attacked his taste buds, chuckling on his spoon when he heard Chani groaning on Jaemin’s pillow. If the said boy didn’t bring him something, he had probably kicked him out already. 

  
The slightly older male had been groaning and whimpering ever since he stepped unto Jaemin’s house. He’s pretty much welcome there and Mrs. Na is thankful for him that Jaemin is finally having someone to hang out with but if he’ll just mourn about his failing love life, the younger would be willing to throw him out of the window. 

  
They’ve been fake dating since the start of Chani’s promotions and the older was still lost and confused. He likes someone, an upperclassman from their school. Jaemin hasn’t meet the girl yet because he already quit school but based on Chani’s description, the girl is gorgeous, smart and really nice. Chani kept talking about his crush for quite a long time already but when his friends urge him to confess or simply tell them her name, Chani would say that they shouldn’t bother her anymore because she was already taken. But according to the latest news from Chani, his crush and her lover already broke up. Jaemin had been telling Chani to make a move and take the opportunity to win his crush’ heart, but SF9’s maknae is still hesitant about it. Jaemin wanted to smack the other for being a weakshit who can’t even confess.

  
“You’re not helping Nana! I said the one I like is still inlove with her ex-boyfriend. My chance with her is as small as your straightness!” 

  
“I’m gay as fuck dud--”

  
“Exactly! Zero Jaemin, zer-- aww! What was that for?!” The older guy rubbed his aching head that would probably grow a bump because of the spoon that Jaemin threw on him. The brunet might be injured, but his aim was good and nothing could stop him from showing no mercy to his friend.

  
Jaemin beamed when he heard Chani’s agony, seemingly proud of himself. He placed the empty Ice cream tub on his study table and hopped from his seat to approach the other male who was messing up his bed. He didn’t bother scolding Chani, he’ll just make him fix it again later. 

  
Chani was laid on his stomach, still buried on a pile of Jaemin’s pillows and sheet. Jaemin sat at the floor facing his fake boyfriend, resting his back on the wall just below his window parallel to his bed. 

  
“You should never say never chanhee-yah. Besides, why is it that impossible? You’re good looking, you’re a diligent student and you’re very talented. Plus the fact that you’re really sweet and nice? Whats not to like about you? We’ve been fake dating for your hyungs to leave you alone but even without them looking, you take good care of me and I appreciate that. If I were the girl, I’d jump in joy if you ever confess.” Jaemin sincerely uttered, making Chani smile on the pillow where his face was buried. 

  
_“Stop saying things you don’t mean Nana.”_ He mumbled but not too inaudible for Jaemin not to catch. 

  
Jaemin’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “What hyung?” 

  
It became his habit to call Chani “Hyung” even though he’s just months older because Chani kept insisting, and Jaemin adored the feeling of being the maknae too. He calls him that when he wants something from the older, saying it in his aegyo voice that could make anyone’s knees collapse. Chani spoils him more than his NCT hyungs do, probably because Chani had been used to being the maknae and he wanted to spoil someone younger for once. 

  
The black-haired boy’s head turned to Jaemin’s direction and the latter expected him to answer him,but instead of saying something Chani just showcased his cute smile that Jaemin has always loved. 

  
Jaemin started giggling and Chani followed suit. They soon erupted into a fit of laughter, their eyes never leaving each other. They always do that. Looking into one another’s eyes before laughing out loud. It’s a habit they adapted when they accidentally catch each other’s eyes. _They find it funny when no one does, a thing between close friends they say._

  
Jaemin is really thankful that God gave him a friend like Chani. Sure he had Jeno, Mark and Donghyuck before, along with the whole NCT. But having someone who always got your back no matter what happens, someone who’ll protect you and stay loyal to you, someone you can lean on when the world starts to turn its back on you. 

  
Oh how Jaemin wished he loved Chani instead of Jeno. But you can’t really teach your heart right? It chooses what it wants to choose and you can never do anything but accept it. You don’t choose who to love, love choose you.

  
 Jeno might have crushed his heart into tiny irreparable pieces but Jaemin knows, that deep inside him he still love his ex-boyfriend. Jeno had been a part of Jaemin’s life for so long and Jaemin knows time will come that he would have to face the older again. It’s unavoidable. Maybe they’ll talk everything out in the future. When Jeno’s finally ready to be honest and tell him his reasons, when everyone becomes ready to tell him something, hopefully they’ll be back to normal. Hopefully they could fix what was broken. 

  
If you ask Jaemin, he still wants Jeno. He really do. He’s still hoping that they still could get back together after all these mess. But he doesn’t want to fix it all by himself. He needs Jeno to help him, he needs Jeno to want it too. He couldn’t and would never force himself on Jeno ever again. He felt pathetic all these time and breaking up with his bestfriend was the best option. Atleast he’s not wallowing in self-pity now, not being eaten by insecurities and not being haunted by heart-shattering thoughts at night. Jaemin was recovering well, his sleeping and eating habits started to come back to normal and he could now smile and laugh without faking them. 

  
A month after the break up gave him a lot of time for himself. He started learning how to value and appreciate himself. He learned not to do things just to please others, they’ll love you and appreciate you for who you are and not for the show you put up just to satisfy them. 

  
He’s excited to come back to being and idol, sure. He wants to perform again, to dance and sing in front of his fans who have been waiting for him. But for now, he needs to be ready. He needs to prepare himself, he wants to come back as Jaemin. A Jaemin in his 100%. He wants to give his all, show his full ability without holding back.  

  
“What are you thinking?” a soft voice woke him from his stance. Chani’s handsome face was the first thing Jaemin noticed when he came back to his senses. 

  
How could he not when the older was already kneeling in front of Jaemin with his face so close Jaemin almost held his breath. He didn’t even notice that the older left his bed to go to him. 

  
Jaemin shook his head and smiled to the older, taking his hands to Chani’s cheeks, caressing them like he always did with Jeno’s. “I’m just thinking….”

  
“About what?” Chani’s voice was laced with concern, his hand reaching Jaemin’s that was cupping his face. 

  
Jaemin looked up to his friend and grinned. 

  
“About….. winning a tickling battle against you!” and with that he tackled the older holding him down with his thin frame and bringing his small hands to Chani’s waist where he was ticklish the most. 

  
Soon enough Chani was already a laughing mess on the floor of Jaemin’s room. Defenseless against the younger’s attacks. Their tickling session continued with of course, Chani overthrowing Jaemin and getting the upperhand with their little game. He smiled as he listened to the brunet’s glorious laughter and whimpers begging Chani to have mercy on him. 

  
They both laid on Jaemin’s bed facing the ceiling, chests rising up and down as they tried catching their breaths. 

  
“I hate you! Can’t you just let me win for once hyung?” Jaemin whined, prolonging the last word to express his irritation towards the older making Chani let out a shaky laugh. 

  
“Of course not Nana-min~” Chani cooed with his deep voice which made Jaemin’s nose crunch up.

  
They talked and played some more until they heard Jaemin’s mom calling her son. The two boys looked at each other questioningly when Mrs. Na told Jaemin that he got a guest waiting for him in their living room with her unusual happy voice from outside Jaemin’s door. 

  
Jaemin wasn’t expecting a guest. His manager didn’t tell him that he was coming and Jaemin makes sure to update the company every week about his recovery so his manager was definitely out of the question. He have no friends at school other than Donghyuck, Mark, Jeno, Hina and Chani so it won’t be someone from his school. He is not close with his neighbors’ kids too so its impossible that they’ll visit him. 

  
_Who could it be then?_

 

_Could it be…… No, he clearly told Mark to tell the members to leave him alone for now._

  
Jaemin stood up from his bed and fixed his appearance on his mirror to look presentable, taming his unruly brown locks and straightening his crumpled shirt. He then turned to his friend who was already on his feet doing the same. 

  
“You’re coming?” He asked as he started walking to his door. He saw Chani nodding and following him. The older was probably as curious as Jaemin. 

  
They both exited his room and went down carefully from the stairs with Chani trailing closely behind Jaemin. 

  
When they reached the living area, Jaemin’s eyebrows furrowed when he saw no one. 

  
_Was his mom playing with him?_

  
He was about to open his mouth to call for the lady when he heard his mom’s boisterous laughter from the kitchen, mixing with another soft one from a different person. 

  
It was when Jaemin realized who it was, making him freeze on his place. It felt like someone pouring a bucket of eyes over his head. It’s the voice of the person that he had been avoiding the most. He trembled from the thought of talking to the person. 

  
_Why is he even here?_

  
Chani was about to ask his stoned friend because Jaemin’s sudden halt and silence worried him, but a boy with a fading orange and blond locks appeared from the kitchen door. His eyes were kind and the smile he was offering to Jaemin’s mom while they talked was sweet. Chani knows him. 

  
_**How could he not?** _

  
_**It’s NCT Dream’s angel Huang Renjun afterall.** _

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Im so sorry for updating so slow. I took a short rest from writing and I still have other fics to finish lol.  I swear I'll end this soon. Just 2 or more chapters left! I hope you enjoyed reading :))) Please do leave comments thank youuuu~
> 
>  
> 
> Talk to me on twt! @xiuchenfinity


	6. Six

 

-

“Oh Jaemin! Thank God you already came down. It’s bad to make your guest wait you know. Hello dear Chani, I don’t know if you know this fine young boy over here but this is Renjun. He is Jaemin’s co-member in NCT Dream. You all were born from the same year I hope you’ll become friends.” Mrs. Na scolded her son before turning to Chani and introducing Renjun. She was clearly pleased of having more guests in her house given that it had been awhile since her house had been this packed. 

 

She was holding a plate of cookies while the orange head besides her was holding a tray of glasses containing drinks for the boys to consume. 

 

To say that Chani and Jaemin were shock is an understatement. Of all people, Renjun was the last person they expect to come. It’s not that Jaemin was angry at Renjun. He could never get mad at the latter. The slightly older boy had never done anything wrong to him and treated him nicely the whole time they were dorming together.Although he wasn’t as close to Renjun like he was with the other members, considering the fact that the chinese guy joined them the last minute before their debut his relationship with Jaemin was pretty smooth. He never had any arguments with Renjun and he clearly didn’t hate Renjun after what happened to him and Jeno. Jaemin isn’t the person to get mad at someone without hearing their explanation, something that both Renjun and Jeno didn’t offer Jaemin. At least not yet. 

 

Jaemin eyed the older skeptically before sitting at their sofa without uttering a word. The tension was up and Renjun was obviously aware of that. He lost his smile the moment Jaemin ignored his mom, mouth forming a thin line and eyes losing its glimmer. 

 

The oldest of the three boys was firm in his ground, not moving an inch. He didn’t know if he should stay or if Jaemin wanted to face Renjun alone. If you ask him, he wanted to be with Jaemin. He knows the younger was still suffering and this talk would make him suffer more. He wanted to support Jaemin, but he wasn’t sure if Jaemin would allow him to be there. 

 

He was just standing there while he eyed Renjun’s figure moving to sit on the small sofa opposite to Jaemin, but not before placing the tray carefully in the center table in between the two boys. Renjun was naturally calm, regaining his composure and smiling sweetly back at Mrs. Na who excused herself to go back to her gardening tasks. The lady loves her plants so much that she spends most of her time on her garden. 

 

Chani’s eyes landed back to Jaemin who’s head was downcast. The younger was fiddling with his fingers, a habit when he’s nervous with something. He watched him until Jaemin snapped his head towards him before gesturing Chani to sit besides him with glassy eyes to which the older succumb in doing so. 

 

He settled just next to Jaemin, facing Renjun. The vocalist was sporting an angelic smile, one that would make you question if you’re already in heaven. But well, Jaemin’s is still Chani’s favorite smile. 

 

“Hello Nana, it has been awhile. Are you recovering well?” Renjun started, getting a glass of iced tea from the tray and sipping from it before putting it down on the table. He fixed the cardigan that he was wearing before looking back at Jaemin expectantly for an answer. 

 

Jaemin sighed before offering a timid smile to Renjun. “I am getting better, I guess. What brought you here injunnie? Not to be rude but didn’t Mark tell yo-” 

 

“He did. I came here without telling the other members. I… I wanted to talk to you.” The orange head muttered while his eyes stared right through Jaemin’s eyes. Determination etched on his face. 

 

Jaemin faced the silent Chani first, searching for his eyes to assure himself that he got the older backing him. Chani noticed this and held Jaemin’s hand immediately, giving the brunet’s hand a soft squeeze as a sign of encouragement. 

 

They could feel Renjun’s eyes on their intertwined hands but they shrugged it off. The chinese male was obviously aware that they are dating since they saw him on Mcountdown. Jaemin wasn’t planning on telling him that everything is fake, no. He don’t want that information to reach Jeno. 

 

“What is it all about?” Jaemin calmly asked, probably because of the warmth that Chani was giving him. 

 

**“Jeno.”**

 

The corner of Jaemin’s lips twitched at the mention of the name. Jaemin already saw this coming but Renjun actually saying it still gave him a surge of emotions. He was squeezing Chani’s hand so damn hard but the latter didn’t even complain. 

 

“I… What about h-im..”Jeno was still a sensitive topic for Jaemin. He personally asked Mark to keep the whole group away from him so he could avoid Jeno at all cost. And of all people Renjun was the one opening this topic to him. Jaemin can’t help but gulp. 

 

He was scared of what might happen after the talk. He’s hoping for the best, it better end in a good way. Renjun is just too kind and Jaemin didn’t want to hurt him, but one way of another he knew this conversation would affect them big time. 

 

“I think you already know what I mean Jaemin-ah.” Renjun was still smiling at Jaemin, it was a warm and sincere smile. The older’s smile is one of the things that Jaemin loves about Renjun. Its so comforting and homely.  

 

It was the same smile that made Jaemin stay on his seat despite the want to run away from the conversation they were having. Jaemin longed for this confrontation but he dreaded it at the same time. He feared the truth that would come out from the older’s lips. He knew he couldn’t avoid this. 

 

“I…First of all I wanna say I’m sorry Jaemin-ah. For all the pain we’ve caused you.” Renjun started again after not receiving a response from the brunet. “I don’t know how to tell you this without breaking my promise to Jeno but, please believe me when I say we’re not having an affair behind your back.” he confessed with an obvious tremble as Jaemin and Chani stared at him intently. 

 

“Not having an affair? Then what were you doing back there? I-in the rooftop? He was…. he w-was on t-top of you--”

 

“It isn’t like what you think! We were just really warming up and practicing some steps when I tripped and I accidentally dragged him along with me as I fell! Believe me Jae---”

 

“Do you really think I’ll believe that poorly made excuse?” Jaemin questioned with his eyes brimming with tears. He was holding on Chani’s hand tightly and it worried the latter. 

 

Renjun’s eyes were filled with sorrow as soon as Jaemin delivered his doubt. “Jaemin-ah I’m not lying! I would never do that to you and I’m sure Jeno loves you so much he would never cheat on you. He loves you, I saw it with my own two eyes!” 

 

Jaemin’s fake chuckles erupted inside the house. That was the most shitty thing he ever heard from Renjun today. 

 

_**He sure did master the art of lying before he came here. I almost believed him.** _

 

“He loves me? After he ignored me for a few months? After he stopped caring for me like I was some invisible creature? After he forgot about my existence? After he forgot that he had a boyfriend and a bestfriend missing him? After I saw you with him that day? You’re telling me that he loves me? Good try Renjun but I aint buying that shit.” Jaemin angrily spitted the words, his face turning crimson read as he yelled at the shorter male from across the living room. 

 

  
He couldn’t hold back his tears anymore as they flowed out of his eyes and into his heated cheeks. He was shaking and Chani was trying his best to calm him by hugging him and rubbing his back. It had been awhile since he saw Jaemin cried. They worked so hard to get Jeno off his mind for him to be able to live in peace. Renjun came and Chani was not sure if Jaemin would go back to his normal self after this talk.

 

“Jaemin-ah…. As much as I want to defend Jeno’s side and tell you his reasons, I’m in no position to do that. He’s the only one that has the rights to explain everything. Please hang in there, promotions is almost done. He’ll make everything right, please don’t close your heart for us Nana. Just a little bit more. Please wait for him.” Renjun pleaded as he cried infront of the two. It was a heart-wrenching sight to watch. 

 

Renjun didn’t want to hurt Jaemin but he didn’t want to break off his promise to Jeno too. He knew it would be unfair to the other if he tells Jaemin everything before Jeno does. He was desperate to try and tell Jaemin that he misunderstood them but he knew the younger was so broken and lost. They couldn’t really blame Jaemin. 

 

The injured boy pulled his hand out of Chani’s hold, bringing it into his eyes before wiping the warm liquid blurring his sight. He whimpered as he watched Renjun’s crying figure. He never meant to make this hard for the older. He wasn’t mad at him, he just wished the other would stop lying to him.  He’s just so tired of everyone around him telling him sweet lies as if its making him feel better. 

 

**“I get tired too injunie, and Jeno knows that.”**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Im sorry if this was shtty lmao.This fic is almost ending I'll miss it ╭(╯ε╰)╮ Dont worry I'll start a flowershop au right after! Im so excited but I need to finish this first lol. Im still working on the ending chaps ♡♡♡ Please do drop some comments I'd love to read them o∩_∩o Have a nice day! 
> 
>  
> 
> -Ros ♡


	7. Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin went back to his home skate, Jeno wants Jaemin home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JAEMIN IS IN 2018 SG!!! NOMIN MET RECENTLY IM SO HAPPY TTTTT




 

-  
 _ **Of all the places in the world, except for the stage Jaemin’s favorite would always be the skating rink.**_

 

The coldness of the air kissing his pinkish cheeks, the sound of the sharp blades cutting through the smooth ice, the sensation of flying, and getting lost into your own world- Jaemin enjoys all of these. Ever since he was a kid, he always did enjoy these things. 

 

Before he became an smrookie, Jaemin was a figure skater first. He learned dancing even before he could learn how to walk, but ballet and figure skating got him by the hook. It gave him the satisfaction that other form of dances could never. 

 

And even though figure skating was the reason why he got his illness, he could never regret learning it. 

 

He looked around the empty rink, hands glazing over the chilled side railings while skating slowly around the whole area. He smiled as he reminisced all the moments he spent practicing in this one particular skating rink near ever since he was young. He missed it. 

 

The moment his parents found out about his back problems that was caused by figure skating, they made him stop coming to the rink. They made him stop practicing. It almost crushed Jaemin’s world, but they encouraged him that there are more types of dance that he could try and its for his sake so he listened to them without a word of protest. 

 

It’s a great thing that the rink was still running and the owner Mr. Yoo, an old man who’s the father of Jaemin’s grade school teacher, didn’t sell the place either. 

 

It’s been so long since he last stepped on that rink, at that moment, Jaemin felt like home. 

 

He carefully stepped his right foot forward to increase his speed a little bit more, taking a mental note of how polished the ice was. He smiled to himself as he glided towards the center of the rink. He may not be able to perform a routine or skate fully at the moment because of his injury, but being on top of the ice felt so refreshing. 

 

For a second, he forgot about the pain he was feeling, the misery that he was in, and that one specific boy his heart had never shut up about. 

 

**“Don’t space out while skating, that’s too much danger.”** an oddly familiar voice interrupted his thoughts. 

 

Looking around, he spotted two figures standing on the bleachers staring at him. He immediately felt a surge of happiness when he recognized who they were. 

 

“Donghyun hyung! Bominie!” He shouted in glee when he saw his childhood rink mates smiling and waving at him. He immediately neared them and walked out of the ice with caution. The two welcomed him with obvious joy in their faces. It’s been awhile since Jaemin saw these too. 

 

“Ahhh careful Nana! We have so much time we don’t need to rush.” Donghyun muttered softly while helping Jaemin take off his ice skates and giving him his shoes. “Teacher Yoo contacted us that Mr. Yoo’s favorite skater came back to skate today so we came here to see our little sunshine. How’s life bub?”

 

Jaemin beamed at the older before engulfing him into a bone-crushing hug. Soon enough, Bomin joined the two hugging them both with his long arms. Jaemin almost teared up, he missed his childhood friends. They untangled their bodies from each other after a few minutes, they got a lot of things to talk about. 

 

“Well, as you’ve heard I finally debuted. I’m just too unlucky my herniated disk attacked during promotions, it was a miracle I survived the whole course. It’s no problem now though, my doctor told me I’m almost done with my treatment. How about you two? Isn’t your debut coming soon?” He asked, willing away the sad atmosphere he created while narrating his whereabouts. 

 

Bomin nooded at him and gave a thumbs up which made Jaemin’s heart swell in remembrance. If you think no one could beat Jaemin’s smile, he’d say Bomin could. The kid who is 11 days younger than he is always had a soft spot on Jaemin’s heart. “We’re busy practicing now for our debut. We’ve been filming a lot too. I hope you could come to our showcase sunbae-nim!” Bomin teased Jaemin, earning a playful punch from the latter. 

 

They talked and laughed inside their childhood nest, the place where they all started their passion with dancing. They chattered about stuffs that happened in each other’s life, catching up with all they missed from the years that passed. Mr. Yoo, the old man who is the owner of the rink even came down form his office to greet them and join their conversation. 

 

“As expected, Mr. Yoo would always drop everything he’s doing just to see his rink’s sunshine, Na Jaemin. Such favoritism” Donghyun commented as Mr. Yoo embraced Jaemin and patted the younger’s hair. 

 

“Nana here, was always the one who helped me cleaning the bleachers before when you naughty kids kept leaving your candy wrappers. Ofcourse he’s my favorite skater!” Mr. Yoo retorted, laughing along with the kids. 

 

“Ahhh so unfair~!” Donghyun jokingly protested which made the rink owner chuckle. 

 

“Stop sulking now hyun-iee. You’re still Bomin’s favorite rink mate and skate partner!” He teased the two. 

 

Jaemin raised his eyebrow when Bomin’s face flushed deep red at Mr. Yoo’s words. Donghyun just giggled affectionately at how cute Bomin was before taking the younger’s hands in his. 

 

“Ahh young love~ I better get going now kids, I still need a lot of things to do. Enjoy your get together. And comeback whenever you’re free, Teacher Yook would start his spring camp soon. You might enjoy watching little kids skating around here. Bye~” And with that, the rink owner left the three. 

 

Jaemin turned to the two before wiggling his eyebrows at their intertwined fingers. “So you two huh?” He teased, snorting when Donghyun tried glaring at him. 

 

“Look who’s talking. I’ve heard some stuffs and it seems like Mr. Sunshine here is dating his bestfriend, the famous visual God of SOPA and NCT. Isn’t that right Nana?” Donghyun questioned Jaemin, unaware of the younger getting caught off guard. 

 

Jaemin looked down, his chest getting tighter as he thought of a way to explain his situation to his hyung without breaking down. 

 

“Ahh... It’s n-not like that…I-- we.. We b-broke up just r-recently…” He managed to choke out. 

 

The two looked at him worriedly. Bomin reached out to him and rubbed Jaemin’s arms comfortingly. The youngest started tearing up. He just couldn’t handle people around him getting sad. He threw his arms around Jaemin as the brunette steadied his breathing. 

 

“Why did you broke up? Did he hurt my Nana? I’m gonna beat him up!” Donghyun furiously muttered which made Jaemin chuckle a bit. Donghyun might be older than Jeno, both of them are good dancers but Jeno’s built is bigger than Donghyun. Plus, Jeno had been working out. The older surely can’t beat Jeno up as he ought to. But as expected from Donghyun, his temper is really the worst. 

 

“Don’t bother hyung. I’m all fine now. I’m happy for you and Bomin though! Congratulations, I knew it right from the start that you two would end up together.” Jaemin tried sounding cheerful, if he didn’t sounded like one, the two sure did ignored it and smiled genuinely at him instead. 

 

Jaemin had been rooting for these two since they were kids. Bomin had a major crush on Donghyun before but the older was going after a pretty noona. Jaemin didn’t knew that they really did end up together. Bomin was truly brave for waiting patiently for Donghyun to return his feelings. 

 

_Time and patience could really make everything possible. He looked at the couple with longing in his heart._

__

_At that moment, Jaemin hoped. He hoped that time would also heal everything that was broke._

 

_He hoped that maybe someday, Jeno would finally come to him and get him back._

 

_That the older would finally explain everything to him and ask for his forgiveness._

 

_And he hoped that when that time comes, his patience is still intact._

 

* * *

 

_**“You shouldn’t have talked to him, Injun-ah.”** _

 

Renjun’s chest tightened at Jeno’s words. He had been crying for hours after he came back to their dorm, making everyone question the cause of his tears. He kept his mouth shut and silently slid into his and Jeno’s shared room, the younger following suit a few minutes after knowing fully well why the orange-haired male came home devastated. 

 

Thankfully, the hyungs didn’t bother them. The other dream members went out shopping, due to Donghyuck and Chenle’s persistent whines, dragging the maknae and their leader with them. These days, Chenle hanged out with Donghyuck and Jisung more, obviously avoiding any form of conversation with Renjun. 

 

“If you’re really gonna let Jaemin go just as easy as that, you’re the worst Lee Jeno.” The slightly older male cried out with too much frustration. Of all people, he’s the one who knows what Jeno’s been going through. But right now, he just can’t understand why the dancer can’t fix everything earlier than he intended to. He knew its not yet time.

 

But they don’t have much of that. **_Time._**

 

Jaemin is clearly slipping out. The distance that Jeno first placed in between of Jaemin and him, is getting wider because of Jaemin’s will to increase it. Both of them are too scared to walk back to where they should be, in each other’s arms. 

 

Renjun didn’t want to be caught in the middle of all this. Damn he got his own love problems to fix. But its too late to turn back now. He can’t get mad at Jeno for dragging him into this, he knows the younger needed that. Even though Jeno’s way of dealing with the problem isn’t mature at all, it was for the better. 

 

“He…. He doesn’t want me anymore injun-ah. I’ve hurt him so bad, I understand that he gave up on me already. Besides, he got Kang Chanhee now. Who am I to ruin their relationship?” Jeno sighed heavily while his head was casted down low. He had put a lot of stress to Renjun that he couldn’t even face the older anymore. 

 

The chinese male picked the box of tissues he had been emptying for the past hour. He pulled a couple of sheet before lightly drying eyes. “You’re such a coward Jeno. I wasn’t that happy with the decision you’ve made before, but I supported you didn’t I? I understand that your situation with him was too hard to bear and that you needed to do that. But you need to open your eyes and see what you ruined during the whole process. He’s your bestfriend damnit! Can’t you atleast give him a little of your consideration for once? He needs answers Jeno, answers that you never bothered giving him.” 

 

“Its’s not the right time-”

 

“Not the right time my ass. Our promotion is almost ending, the company said they’ll give us atleast a week or two break before we discuss about the next comeback. You got all the time you need to approach him and take him back.” Renjun sharply pointed out, glaring at the taller when he received no response. 

 

He could see that Jeno was thinking hard. Eyebrows etched, forehead creased, eyes full of worries. His back was leaning on their room’s door, eyes tightly closed.

 

“Are you… are you scared that he won’t hear your explanation? Are you scared of getting rejected by him? Are you scared that he don’t wanna go back to you anymore? Are you scared that he’ll choose to stay with Chani?” Renjun calmly asked, seeing that fighting with Jeno won’t get them anywhere. 

 

He saw the younger’s lips pressed into a thin line, clenching his fists on his sides. Jeno opened his eyes to look at his chinese friend. The way Renjun figures everything running inside his head, its amazing. Probably, the level of Renjun’s maturity is much higher than the rest of the members. He could read him so well, he knows the meaning of his every move. Other than Jaemin and Mark, Renjun is the only one who could do that. 

 

He didn’t answer once again. He just tiredly fixed his gaze unto the older. He heard him snickering moments after, making his eyebrow raise to question. 

 

“I can’t believe you doubt Jaemin’s feelings for you. He loves you. You should know that. He deserves to know Jeno. He deserves that at the very least. Even if he doesn’t accept you anymore, you should go and ask for forgiveness, give him the answers he was asking for. It’s a shame though. For you to let that one go, you truly are the worst. Fix your problems alone from now on. I gotta fix mine too.” The orange head spatted before quickly striding out of their room. 

 

With a long sigh, Jeno laid himself on his bed. Renjun is right, he needs to do something now. He needs to pull everything back to its rightful place. 

 

Like Jaemin who always belongs to Jeno’s longing arms. 

 

_**He’ll**_ **_get_** _**him**_ **_back_**. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bomin and Donghyun  of golden child cameo because that ship is another angsty ship and they deserve better :((( 
> 
> Im so sorry! I know this update is a lot late but I was sick yknow. And I'm writing a one shot ^^. Im almost done with it haha. Also, I'll be updating my other fics. This fic is ending soon everyone! I'll surely miss this. Once again, I'm so sorry for being such a lazy ass hahahahaha. Please drop comments TTTT
> 
>  
> 
> P.S. Follow me in twt @xiuchenfinity, I talk more about nomin there hehe.
> 
> -Ros ♡


	8. Eight

 

 

“Bominie and Dong-hyung told me they’ll come and invite me to their debut stage. I’m really excited! I was already happy when I heard they’re debuting, and it made me ten times happier when I found out that they’re actually dating! Cuties~”

 

 

Jaemin had been blabbering non-stop about his former rinkmates to Chani when he visited him the day after while the latter never failed to show his enthusiasm to know what happened to their little group date. He was glad that the slightly younger male found joy in meeting his childhood friends.

 

 

These days, he noticed how Jaemin never goes out anymore. He was pretty excited about being free from the house arrest that he was in but now that he was already allowed to see the outside world, all Jaemin did was play League of Legends all day, watch Marvel films during the weekends and facetime Chani at midnight. Chani didn’t really mind talking to Jaemin the whole day but he was worried that Jaemin’s wasting himself away.

 

 

He had always known the brunette as an optimistic and jolly boy, often loved because of his charming and bright personality. And Chani feels like that Jaemin was destroyed by the recent happenings in the younger’s life. He could only do his best in making the younger happy and letting him know that he wasn’t alone and the thing that hurts him the most is that he’ll never be enough to bring back the happiness in Jaemin’s life.

 

 

Chani knew right from the start that he could never replace Jeno in Jaemin’s life. When the pretty boy told him that he wished he should have loved Chani instead of Jeno, Chani felt the regret too. He wished he knew Jaemin before Jeno did, he wished he befriended Jaemin before Jeno did, he wished he spent his trainee days with Jaemin, he wished he dated Jaemin before Jeno could even lay his eyes on the boy. But he was too late, Jeno have hurt Jaemin already and Chani wasn’t able to protect the love of his life.

 

 

Yes you read it right. Jaemin is the love of his life and not that girl in his made up story that he told Jaemin. He was actually referring to the younger and he was glad Jaemin’s such an idiot to even notice.

 

 

“Taeyang-hyung called me by the way, asking me if I was already allowed to dance. He wanted to choreograph a song with me but I didn’t get a go signal from Dr. Kim yet so I asked him if he could wait bit. He answered yes and I was so thankful that he agreed. I wanted to do that! It’s been awhile since I last danced and I’m so happy that someone invited me to do something related to dancing again. And yeah Inseong hyung told me to tell you to study on your exams because they’re coming up in a few days and he said you kept lazing aroun--- hey are you even listening?” Jaemin noticed how his friend’s thoughts weren’t with him and called out Chani’s attention.

 

 

“Ah. Yeah, don’t worry about it I’m studying well! Don’t listen to him he likes nagging a lot. I wish sometimes he could just let me breathe a little.” Chani mumbled after he recovered his attention.

 

 

Jaemin laughed and his thoughts suddenly lingered to one of his hyungs. “I can’t believe there’s someone worse than Doyoung hyung when it comes to nagging. At least he never calls you to tell you to scold your boyfriend for something I did.”

 

 

Of all the things that he loves about Jaemin, the way the word ‘boyfriend’ rolls off Jaemin’s tongue is Chani’s favorite. _Especially when he’s addressing to him._

He already accepted the fact that he’ll never be the one to own Jaemin’s heart, and this little relationship play they’re doing right now would end as soon as Jeno comes back to the picture. It isn’t impossible, not after Chani heard Renjun trying to explain something to Jaemin. He is quite sure the orange-head was telling the truth, that he isn’t in any way having an affair with Jeno.

 

 

Right now, Chani is just trying to enjoy his probable last few moments pretending that he and Jaemin are together. He knew he’ll miss this, the feeling of the younger’s warmth tucked under his arms.

 

 

If you’ll ask him, he won’t even put up a fight. He won’t tug Jaemin back when the pretty boy starts walking back to Jeno. He knew the only person that could heal Jaemin’s heart and make him happy is Jeno. He could also feel that Jaemin is still hoping to fix everything with him, he knew it because the brunette isn’t letting go of everything just yet. He could see that Jaemin’s still holding on, and Chani knew he would be left with no choice but to free Jaemin from himself when the time comes.  

 

 

“Inseong-hyung probably wanted to talk to you but he didn’t know what to say so he resorted to nagging me through you. These days, the only thing that keeps coming out from their mouth when they're talking to me is your name. They like you a lot that I won’t get surprised if they suddenly kick me out of the dorm to adopt you instead.” Chani complained earning a giggle from Jaemin.

 

 

Truth to be told, he actually told Inseong that him and Jaemin aren’t really a thing. He explained how Jaemin offered to pretend as his boyfriend so the members would stop teasing him which earned him a smack in the head from the vocalist. He also told Inseong his dilemma with the brunette and his ex. The older even told him to just confess, saying Chani might change Jaemin’s heart if he does. But Chani didn’t want to mess with Jaemin’s true feelings. He knew that the younger is too nice to reject someone, he would feel guilty and refuse to leave Chani because he would never want to hurt anyone. Inseong said no more and just patted his back. The older probably knew that Chani’s already counting the days, which is why he’s making sure that Jaemin’s spending his time taking care of him.

 

 

Chani closed his eyes, keeping the younger closer by pulling him into his hug. It was a very comfortable position for Chani, and he wanted to use all his remaining time as Jaemin’s boyfriend to embrace him and make him feel his heart beating just for him. He knew that in the future, cuddling sessions just like this won’t be possible. _Oh how he’ll miss everything_.

 

 

_**For now, he’s just thankful. Thankful that God gave him a chance to experience all of these with the boy he truly loves, even just for a short while.** _

__

 

 

 

Jeno slipped off from his sneakers before entering their dorm after a long tiring day practicing. He had stayed back after their usual practice hours to polish his dancing and help doing the choreo for some parts of their new song, Trigger the Fever.

 

 

He knew Mark told him not to stay up late, but he needed a little bit of distraction so he decided that the best way was to do the thing he loved the most, dancing.

 

 

He tiptoed his way through the living room, careful not to wake any members up especially their leader who would surely scold Jeno for overworking himself again.

 

It was no luck though, because the devil himself was sitting on the dining room, scribbling on his notebook with a smoking hot mug of what Jeno supposed as coffee.

 

 

Of course, Mark wouldn’t be able to sleep knowing someone from his group is still out. Of course, Mark would be writing rap lyrics until the wee hours because that’s how passionate he is. Jeno groaned mentally.

 

 

“I told you not to stay out late, didn’t I?” Mark mumbled quietly, still not taking his eyes off from his notebook.

 

 

Jeno walked towards his leader and pulled a chair out to sit infront of the said boy. At this distance, he could already smell the aroma of roasted coffee beans from the older’s drink. “I’m not out that late. You’re still awake.” He dared reasoning out.

 

 

Mark snapped a tired gaze at him and he was hit by pang of guilt. “It’s 2 fucking am Lee Jeno. You know I can’t sleep without knowing that y’all are inside this goddamn dorm, safe and unharmed.”

 

 

Jeno tried opening his mouth to counter the rapper, but ended up sporting a warm smile instead. “That’s why you’re the best leader.” He muttered. “You should get a rest hyung, the lyrics aren’t even due until next month. You’re pushing yourself too much.” Jeno started standing up to retreat to his room, but Mark spoke up which held him frozen.

 

 

“He moved to the rookies dorm this afternoon.”

 

 

Jeno felt his world spinning. He knew exactly who Mark was referring to. But he couldn’t quite get the catch. His body turned with so much force he thought his neck would snap into half. “What do you mean rookies dorm?”

 

 

Mark looked down and sighed, he knew the younger wouldn’t take it lightly. “The dorm where Lucas, Kun and Jungwoo hyung are staying. Manager-nim messaged me earlier that he just moved there.”

 

 

“But why there?! He don’t belong there hyung! He’s a dream member! He belongs here! HE BELONGS TO US, TO ME!” Jeno didn’t care if he wakes the whole neighborhood. He’s mad. He could literally feel anger rising from his chest.

 

 

He couldn’t comprehend why Jaemin moved there instead of moving back to Dream’s dorm. Jeno knew Jaemin was so excited to come back and live with them again, the younger never failed to talk about it during their long calls before. He always showed enthusiasm when Jeno tells him about the happenings in the dorms. Jaemin always wanted to be with them, with him.

 

 

“Turn your voice down Jeno Lee. The kids are sleeping! And for your own enlightenment, he chose to move there. He told manager-nim that it would be better if he stays with Lucas, Jungwoo and Kun-hyung for the meantime until he could fully join future promotions and come back here. Guess why he fucking did that? Maybe because of you?” Mark yelled in a whisper, equally pissed as his younger member.

 

He knew he shouldn’t fully blame Jeno why Jaemin was mad at them. But he couldn’t help it when the dancer kept avoiding the fact the he’s losing Jaemin and he needed to fix his problems with the pretty boy fast or he’ll never get a chance to do so ever again.

 

 

He promised Jeno that he would understand him and help him, but Jeno promised them that he would take Jaemin back after the promotions too. He promised that he won’t let Jaemin be taken away from him and he promised to fix everything after gathering enough courage he needed.

 

 

Mark couldn’t wait any more. Jeno was taking too much time with his self-realization. He needed him to move, to bring everything back to how it used to be. He wanted Nana back too, damn sure he does. But he couldn’t do anything more than sitting there and waiting for Jeno to finally start recovering his and Jaemin’s relationship.

 

 

**“You both sound pathetic.”**

 

 

The two turned towards the owner of the voice, standing not so far away from them in his pajamas. “Why are you two fighting over this and shouting at each other before the sun could even rise when you could just go and sort everything out in a calm way. You won’t fix anything if you keep etting your anger take over.” Donghyuck sharply spoke. Hard gaze falling over the two other figures.

 

 

Mark released a deep sigh before collecting his pen and notebook from the table and walked away. **“Stop whining and man up.”** He said, directing at Jeno before passing Donghyuck and entering their room with a slam.

 

 

“It’s time to stop Jeno. Go and get him back, before its too late.” Donghyuck softly advised before giving the said male one last look of sympathy and turning his back to follow his boyfriend in their room, not ever looking back even after hearing a loud noise of a fist hitting a furniture and a broken sob echoing through their dining area.

 

 

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said it so many times but I just got the ending sorted out so this aint a drill anymore, last chapter for the next update! Of course I'll add an epilogue and probably some bonus chapters (If you'll suggest and request some uwu). This fic will turn one year old next month and I just realized how slow am I in updating this but yall still stayed and waited for me patiently. I'll try to become a better author im so sorry! I love yallllll~ 
> 
> talk to me on twitter for more nomin stuffs @xiuchenfinity 
> 
> -Ros


	9. Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeno's side of the story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I MANAGED TO UPDATE ATLAST IM SO SORRY ITS HARD TO BETA AND EDIT USING MY PHONE SOBS

 

-

 

Jeno dragged his heavy feet across the street while adjusting the mask covering the lower half of his face and the black cap he was wearing. Security measures.

 

The sun was high up the sky and he was thankful that he actually wore a light cottoned shirt and shorts instead of wearing jeans or he’ll probably be soaked with his own sweat by now. Its already a little after 4 o’clock in the afternoon but the heat in the air wasn’t in any way decreasing.

 

He stood rooted in front of a door, eyeing the 4-story building painted in dull yellow and brown. Jeno wasn’t sure if the loud thumping inside his chest was caused by the heat or the fact that he was nervous as hell.

 

A cat was sitting on an empty pot just besides the door, and Jeno was sure it was glaring at him. He snickered to himself, thinking that he probably went insane already. Or possibly-- that cat counted the number of times Jeno thought of turning back and going home before he could even reach his destination and it wasn’t amused with him.

 

He rub his hands on his face to pull himself together before moving forward with the little courage left in his body. He hastily pushed the glass door that clearly said “pull”, footsteps heavy against the tiled floor.

 

He sighed in relief when he felt the coolness of the insides, probably because of the air condition placed besides the narrow stairs. He eyed the steps, shaking his head at the thought of using them when he’s barely catching up with his breathing. He proceeded anyways, thankfully he just needed to reach until the second floor.

 

Jeno took his cap off while going up, combing his fingers through his freshly dyed blond locks just to put the cap back on. Finally reaching the said floor, he looked left and right to make sure there was no one in the hallways before walking towards the far end. He was feeling jittery but he chose to continue.

 

His steps were slow, almost hesitant, wanting to walk away if not just because of the small mocking voice inside his head telling him he’s a coward, a loser, a huge who’s already this close to losing the love of his life.

 

The dancer adjusted the bandage in his hand out of habit. The cut in his knuckles that he got from punching the table after he found out that Jaemin was living in this exact building was burning under the soft fabric. As much as he wanted to removed the bandage, he also wanted it to heal fast because they still have an upcoming performance.

 

These days, people were already asking for Jaemin too. Every time they have an appearance, he’ll see a comment or two asking about Jaemin’s condition under every article posted online. Some people wanted to know how his treatment was going, some were asking if he’ll come back already, but most of them are just saying they miss him- and Jeno couldn’t agree with them more.

 

His mind was turning hazy as he got nearer and nearer to the door of the smrookies dorm. He was hoping there aren’t anyone in there except for Jaemin because doesn’t actually like the idea of the younger hanging out with the new trainees. Sure he knew Kun, but he wasn’t particularly glad with how Jaemin was always spotted with Jungwoo and Yukhei by the fans. He doesn’t like the idea of Jaemin hanging out with others in general- especially that jerk called Chani.

 

You can call Jeno selfish, but he never wanted to share his man.

 

He reached the doorstep of the rookies’ dorm and he got more nervous. He knew there’s a possibility that Jaemin would just kick him out but he got to try, he couldn’t just lose his boyfriend without putting up a fight. He needs Jaemin back into his life.

 

If you weren’t just an ass this won’t happen yknow. A voice in his head spat, disappointingly. Jeno would have to agree with the voice though.

 

He pushed all the thoughts of backing out away from his mind before pressing the doorbell of the dorm. For a moment he thought that no one was there because he stood too long outside without anyone answering the door.

 

Jeno flinched when the knob suddenly turned and the door opened revealing Kun in his orange apron. The man had a surprised look on his face upon seeing Jeno before he quickly offered a warm smile. “Jeno! Ugh, what brings you h-here?” The Chinese asked, not even stepping aside to let Jeno enter.

 

Jeno smiled nonetheless. Kun probably knew the whole situation. “I came to see Jaemin, hyung. I heard he moved here a few days ago.” He honestly stated, looking behind Kun to check if there was a Na Jaemin inside.

 

Kun looked behind him uneasily, contemplating on letting Jeno in or not. He turned to Jeno again before sighing and widening the opening to welcome the younger. “He said he doesn’t want to talk to you but—you two had been hurting each other for so long. I think it’s time for you to talk it out.”

 

Jeno nodded and entered the small but cozy dorm. “Is he here?” He hesitantly asked when Jaemin was nowhere to be seen.

 

“He’s in his room, the second door to your left. He’s rooming with me so you don’t need to worry about someone else barging inside. Lucas and Jungwoo went to the company earlier this morning and they won’t be back anytime soon. Go on and talk to him, I’ll be right here outside if you two need something.” Kun muttered, trying his best to tone down the volume of his voice.

 

“Thank you hyung.” Jeno replied sincerely and offered a timid smile.

 

“Welcome. And Jeno-“

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Please don’t hurt him more that you already did.”

 

* * *

 

  
Jaemin was trying to finish the book that his Taeil hyung lent him when he heard someone ringing the door which got him curious. Jungwoo and Lucas both have duplicate keys so it’s definitely not them.

 

A visitor.

 

He listened intently to the noise coming from outside his room. Jaemin wasn’t really planning on getting up from his bed anytime soon so he just wish his Kun hyung would take care of whoever it was that came.

 

What he didn’t expect though, was for his door to open, revealing a figure of someone too familiar that Jaemin almost forgot how to take a breathe. With his jaw dropping with an audible gasp, he raised from his original position to meet the person’s gaze.

 

“W-what are you doing here.” was all he managed to choke out as tears swelled his eyes. He didn’t originally plan on crying in front of this guy but he could barely take hold of his emotions. Anger, confusion, disappointment, and the one that he hates the most, him missing Lee Jeno. ‘

 

The older gave him a timid smile before stepping inside, slowly, like he was walking on thin ice. “Hello to you too, Nana.” he greeted politely, and Jaemin didn’t miss how Jeno called him by his nickname which gave him streaks of nostalgia making him want to throw up.

 

His body tensed as Jeno went nearer, pulling a char from Kun’s study table and turning it towards Jaemin before sitting on it comfortably. Like the fucker didn’t just shitted on him months ago.

 

Jaemin inhaled sharply as he watched the man he loves, the man he trusted his heart with but broke it, the man he thought he could have a future with, the man who failed him. His best friend, his group mate, his ex lover, **his Lee Jeno.**

 

He is beautiful as ever. And Jaemin hated it. He hated how the sunlight coming from outside his big window highlighted Jeno’s strong features. His sharp-lined Jaw, his broad chest, his perfect sculpted nose, his freshly bleached locks that fell upon his forehead, his starry eyes which held his long beautiful lashes, and his deceitful lips. Lee Jeno is a demigod.

 

Jaemin hated himself for even admiring his ex when he really shouldn’t. He had been picturing this day, this same exact day when Jeno would come to him for a talk- to fix them or to finally break the “us” in them. Jaemin always wondered what would his first reaction be.

 

And he, a fool, admired Jeno’s perfection two seconds after they met again.

 

“I said, what are you doing here? Kun hyung let you in---?” the younger stuttered out in a frantic manner after the shock sunk in.

 

“He said he wants us to talk. Let’s talk Jaemin.” Jeno firmly announced, squirming in his seat to find his comfort before looking up to meet Jaemin’s burning eyes.

 

Jaemin snorted, unable to believe the other’s words. “Are you ready to tell me everything that you’ve refused to let me know? Are you ready to explain yourself? Why now Jeno?”

 

“Because I can’t let you go.”

 

“Bullshit.” the brunette spat. This is bullshit. He can’t let him go but he did all that? What was he even thinking?

 

Jeno sighed, already expecting this reaction from Jaemin. He couldn’t blame him. Jeno hurt him bad, he neglected him for so long. “Listen to me first, will you Nana?”

 

“No listen to me Jeno! Do you know how lost I felt all these months you neglected me? Do you know how many sleepless nights I spent thinking about what went wrong? What did I do for you to hurt--”

 

“NO! You did nothing wrong Nana, it was me. It was all on me please--”

 

Jeno was cut off when Jaemin suddenly turned to him with tears flowing out of his eyes. Jaemin was crying, his shoulders shaking as he pressed his lips together to stop himself from emitting a sound. At that moment, all that Jeno ever wanted to do was to run to the younger and envelope him inside his harms.

 

“I don’t want to ask you Jeno, I don’t want to ask you if your love for me was real. Because I know it was. I just want to know why? Why did you do that? Why did your love fade? Why did you hurt me?” He asked helplessly, his eyes full pain as he looked directly into Jeno’s own.

 

“It never did Jaemin. Believe me- it never did fade. I… I still love you. For fuck’s sake I love you so much. I was stupid and selfish.” Jeno choked out a whimper, his head hanging low as he reminisced the day it all went wrong.

 

* * *

 

  
_**“Jeno! That’s not your spot! You’re supposed to come forward after Mark’s verse!** _

 

_**“YOU MISSED A BEAT! WHY CAN’T YOU FOCUS!”** _

 

_**“Lee Jeno how can you forget your own solo part? Why are you so out of it? You know what, you need a break. Take 5 everyone!”** The choreographer dismissed them, disappointed._

 

_Jeno felt a hand patting his back which turned out as their leader, displaying a worried tight-lipped smile that made him even guiltier. He roamed his eyes around the room only to see his other members equally exhausted._

 

_The raven-haired nodded when Mark asked him if he was fine. An obvious lie. He pressed his back against the cool wall of their practice room as his mind got clouded with another set of thoughts about a certain male close to his heart._

 

_**His boyfriend.** _

 

_Na Jaemin-- who was currently injured and hurting. And Jeno can’t do anything about that. He knew Jaemin had that same spine problem before, but the boy told him he was already fine before they debuted. Jeno shouldn’t have believed him._

 

_Jaemin has always been a bright boy, always smiling, always having positive outlook in life. He always had this glimmer in his eyes, always excited about learning and doing new things with the people he loves. Jaemin is full of talent and passion, enough to make him shine on stage. He loves being on stage, he loves performing. And Jeno just can’t understand why all of this happened to Jaemin._

 

_Jaemin’s didn’t deserve this, but Jeno found it more unfair than Jaemin ever did. Despite everything, Na Jaemin had always been positive, assuring everyone that there’s nothing to worry about and he’ll be back in no time._

 

_He could easily fool everyone, everyone but Jeno who knew him like the back of his hand. Jeno was aware of how bad Jaemin’s condition was, especially that he’d been there for the younger during their trainee years and he was able to watch Jaemin go through a lot of therapies and medications causing him to halt practicing and skip training sessions before they even debuted._

 

_When their debut was announced, the first thing that came to Jeno’s mind was Jaemin. He didn’t want to debut without his best friend. He didn’t want to leave Jaemin. So it made his joy over the top when Jaemin became the final member to join the line up, delay caused by the hesitation of letting him debut despite the uncertainty of his condition._

 

_Even Jeno was convinced that everything will be fine after their debut. And it was probably the most stupid of him to believe that._

 

* * *

 

 

_They all practiced hard to show spectacular performances for their stages, determined to catch the public’s love and interest as SM Entertainment’s youngest boy group to debut. They were all working hard, practicing till dawn, bodies collapsing to exhaustion but rising to move forward. Because they were close, close to their dreams getting fulfilled._

 

_It was that exact determination that kept them too busy to even take care of themselves, but Jeno, Jeno was never too busy to care for Jaemin. He knew Jaemin’s condition was getting worse, too mindful of the boy that truly owns his heart. He saw every change in Jaemin’s face every time he dances, he saw how he would flinch at every bend and break of their choreography, he saw how he would fill all the spaces in his back with pain patches that smelled like mint. Jeno’s favorite scent is mint, but he was never pleased to smell that on Jaemin’s body especially if it meant Jaemin was in pain._

 

_All these worries seemed to vanish when they had their first stage. Nervousness and excitement mixing in the air as they held their positions before the beat started. The crowd cheered for them, and it was like music to their ears._

 

_He heard screams of his name from the fans, and he heard Jaemin’s too. Jeno smiled, heart filled with delight before he glanced at his boyfriend who’s eyes were already on him. He forced a wink and he heard Jaemin chuckle._

 

_That day nothing else mattered, because as soon as the music started Jeno knew, they’ll be fine. He’ll be fine. He’s already there, he’s standing right in front of his dreams and he’s reaching it with Jaemin._

  
_It was probably the best moments of his life, performing in front of the fans who loves him with the person who owns his heart. Being an idol is tiring, stressful and nerve-wrecking. But they all enjoyed it._

 

* * *

 

 

_Jeno and Jaemin’s relationship went smooth, pretty stable. Maybe they lost a bit of time for each other, or maybe a lot. Their schedules hip to hip a long with their school and practices, it was hard to maintain a good relationship. They managed, at least._

 

_There were fights, but they never lasted overnight. Jeno being the less prideful one, always apologizing or forcing one out of Jaemin before they go to sleep. He refused to sleep over their feuds. At the end of each, they’ll climb unto one bed, snuggling close to each other as they take all the amount of sleep they could get until a new day starts._

 

_As time passed by, Jeno noticed how Jaemin’s consultations got more and more frequent too. Sometimes he would even skip the whole day just to stay to the hospital for his check ups. It worried Jeno a lot but Jaemin always brushed it off when he asks, saying Jeno’s just being paranoid and that he was totally fine._

 

_He didn’t believe him of course. Jeno could always see through Jaemin’s lies. The younger didn’t know, but Jeno caught him crying twice in the middle of the night, phone clutched closely to his ears as he talked to his mother in a whispering manner not to wake Jeno up. The brunette would discuss about his therapy and tell his mom how it was going rough for him._

 

_A tear or two would slip pass Jeno’s eyes before he scurries to wipe them before Jaemin could end the call and turn to him. He would always pretend asleep. Jaemin didn’t want to tell him, he wanted to respect that._

 

_But when Jaemin collapsed one day in the middle of their practice, face contorting as he cried in pain, hands shooting towards his back, Jeno knew it was already bad. Worse than before._

 

_They rushed him to the hospital without the fans knowing, leaving Jeno behind because his manager thought he could still practice knowing his boyfriend was in pain. He was pissed, angered that nobody seemed to consider his feelings as everyone went to their places to rerun the dance after recovering from the shock of their groupmate collapsing._

 

_That day, Jeno yelled in rage, asking everyone else why they didn’t seem affected which got him a stern look from their dance instructor. “We are all worried too kid. More than you can think of. But panicking won’t help him recover, crying won’t lessen his pain, it happens a lot in this industry. That doesn’t gives you a reason to stop.”_

 

_Jeno was upset. Too upset that he bolted out of the room and went back to their dorm to cry his heart out overnight. Jaemin didn’t come home that day, and that said a lot about how serious his condition was._

 

_The next day, despite the lack of will to practice, Mark dragged him out of his bed and encourage him to come. Next to Jaemin, Jeno only listens to Mark and the older male took that as an advantage to force Jeno out of his slump._

 

_Their dance instructor gave him a glare before he told him he missed a lot, and Jeno couldn’t seem to care. What made his mood go downhill though was the fact that their whole dance changed. They informed him that Jaemin would skip the performance and they rearranged the positions making Jeno stay behind to catch up with the amount of practice he missed when he left the day prior._

 

_The sun was already up when he left the practice room, his muscles burning in pain and fatigue. He didn’t mind though, because his mind was clouded by the thoughts of Jaemin._

 

* * *

 

 

  
_1 week. 2. 3. a month. Jaemin didn’t come back. The younger sent him texts everyday assuring him he’s recovering but Jeno didn’t believe him this time._

 

_When the company announced that Jaemin would be put on a hiatus because of health reasons, Jeno wasn’t even surprised. He expected that already. At first, he refused to accept that it was the best thing to do because he knew a comeback would be up soon and he didn’t want to go up the stage without Jaemin. But when he visited the brunette in his house after he went out of the hospital and saw how he was in so much pain, Jeno changed his mind._

 

_He was more than thankful that the company considered giving Jaemin a rest._

 

_“You’re such a worrywart! Mark-hyung told me you even cried when I got hospitalized! It’s a pity nobody took a video. It could have been a great blackmail props.” Jaemin laughed at him again for the 4th time that day, the corner of his eyes wrinkling as he kept teasing Jeno._

 

_Jeno didn’t answer him, letting the younger make the fun out of his misery without any protest. Instead, he fixed Jaemin’s blanket to make it comfortable for the younger as he laid on his bed._

 

_“Come lay besides me Jeno.” He heard him say after awhile._

 

_The said boy looked at his boyfriend hesitantly, before eyeing the space he provided for him. “I’m scared. What if I accidentally hit you and--”_

 

_“Hush. Just climb up here will you? Your snuggles are the best.” Jaemin reprimanded with a pout._

 

_And Jeno did. He carefully settled himself on the other side of the bed. Jaemin clung on him instantly, head buried on Jeno’s chest as he inhaled the minty scent on the older that he always love. “Thank you Nono, for being the best boyfriend ever.” he heard him whisper._

 

_He smiled down, pressing a chaste kiss on Jaemin’s forehead. “I’ll never leave you, Nana.”_

 

* * *

 

  
_**Everything went fine. Except it didn’t.** _

 

_Practicing the new comeback song, recording, music video filming, photo shoots here and there. It drained Jeno. The burning desire in his chest to do well was getting into him, making his frustrations grow._

 

_He spent more hours practicing ‘My First and Last’ and ‘Dunk Shot’ choreography than the rest of the members, perfecting and polishing his moves until the sun peeks out of the horizon, until his body gives up, until he couldn’t move his limbs to join the music anymore._

 

_Having the shortest part in their title song didn’t help his insecurities, giving him a lot of doubts about his abilities. Sure he might not be the best singer or rapper in his group, but he deserved better. He knew that to himself but he couldn’t really complain because that’s what the company wanted._

 

_So instead of moping around, he poured all his sentiments to his dance. “If I couldn’t get the best lines, I’ll get the best center positions.” he once muttered to himself._

 

_Jeno didn’t get it still, and he was mad. Everything was falling apart for him._

 

_His visits with Jaemin was becoming less and less frequent, texts being left unreplied, calls being ignored- it was stupid of him._

 

_If you ask Jeno why he did all that, he won’t be able to give you an answer. All he knew was that he was lost, he was so lost and he didn’t want Jaemin to know about his problems._

 

_He didn’t want Jaemin to see the worthless piece of trash in him. He’s a loser, a shadow of the other members who deserve the spotlight more than he does even though Jaemin would surely say otherwise._

 

_**Jaemin is just too good for him.** _

 

* * *

 

  
_“It was brought to our attention that you’re not ready enough for this comeback Jeno. The producer complained about you not recording any song right, your dance instructor said you can’t even memorize the whole choreography and you kept messing up. Your attitude about this matter isn’t helping at all too.” a higher up that Jeno can’t seem to name said sternly as she gave him a pointed look._

 

_The lady was wearing a coat that probably costs more than Jeno’s salary, her long nails painted in blood red tapping on the surface of the mahogany desk in her office was irking him. She had a scowl on her face, she’s definitely not please to see him there._

 

_Jeno eyed his manager who was squirming uncomfortably in his seat. He felt bad for him. He’d probably get an earful when Jeno gets dismissed and it was all his fault. “I’m s-sorry.” was all he manage to choke out, hanging his head low to avoid the woman’s eyes._

 

_“If you don’t pull your self together and do things right until the end of this week we’ll pull you out of this unit. We can easily do that you know? I mean, you’re not that needed anyways.” She threatened, words laced with venom that crept into Jeno’s skin. “And oh, we know about your little romance with that your injured team mate. Would be great to get rid of him too, how about that? Covering up a gay idol couple scandal in the future would be troublesome don’t you think?”_

 

_The boy felt of the blood in his body getting drained, face as pale and as cold as eyes. He didn’t dare raise his eyes nor open his mouth to answer._

 

_“L-let’s not make it to that point. They’re just kids. Please, I- I’ll make sure he does well this time. He’s sorry.” His manager interjected, panic obvious in his actions as he did his best to get Jeno out of the situation at hand._

 

_The woman scoffed but didn’t say anything else. Jeno took that as a sign to leave, his manager giving his shoulder a tight squeeze before he told him to go back to practice with a warm smile on his face as he promised to deal with everything for him. It was enough assurance._

 

_Jeno bowed to the both of them before he took his exit, tears finally escaping his eyes as he closed the door of the office._

 

_He went back to the dorm that night at nearly midnight. Instead of going directly inside, he walked pass through their door and jogged up stairs instead. He reached the rooftop and the cool air welcomed him, embraced him._

 

_He was about to walk towards the monoblock chairs that the building owner purposely left so people could hang out in there when his phone buzzed, signaling a text message._

 

_It was from Renjun, asking if he was already on his way home. Jeno sighed before putting his phone back in his pocket, ignoring the text from the chinese male._

 

_Other than Mark, Renjun was the member that keeps on worrying about him. They grew closer these past few days due to the slightly older male offering to help him practice his vocals in their free time. Renjun was a lot more mature than Jeno too, he usually seek him for advice if Mark isn’t around._

 

_Renjun must have noticed Jeno’s situation, or Mark probably told him. Either way, the chinese had been constantly checking on Jeno like he was his responsibility of some sort._

 

_Jeno dragged a chair near the railings to get a view of the city lights. The fog wasn’t too heavy for him to see how alive Seoul was. Jeno can’t help but scoff. He always hated the irony about Seoul. It always appear so lively, so bright, so expensive but the truth is that the only ones that keep the city bright are the lights from the tall buildings and infrastructures owned by rich businessmen- shadowing all the small ones, blinding one’s eyes from the filth, from seeing dreams being crushed, families getting ruined, money and greed overpowering love and justice._

 

_Sometimes he wishes he never dreamed of being an idol, someone living off people’s satisfaction, someone who was made to impress. Sometimes he wishes he settled with a normal life instead, going to a university, study a course that’ll get him a high paying job and buy a new sneakers in his first salary._

 

_But then again, if he didn’t pursue this career he wouldn’t meet Na Jaemin. He can never think of a life without him. Never._

 

  
_His phone vibrated against the pocket of his jeans once again, this time the buzz was longer. Jeno fished it out and saw Renjun on the caller ID. He hesitated for a moment before he dragged his finger to accept the call._

 

_“Where are you? It’s past midnight Jeno come home now.” Renjun’s soft voice but worry-filled voice reached Jeno._

 

_“I’m home-- I mean.. I’m already inside the building I just didn’t enter our dorm yet. Go to sleep I’ll go back down in a few.”_

 

_“Back down? Are you in the rooftop again? Goddamnit do you know it’s freezing cold at this time of the night? Stay there I’ll bring a coat.”_

_The line went out and Jeno heaved another sigh. The door burst open seconds later, revealing a petite looking red-hair with a coat and two mugs of smoking hot drink that Jeno guessed was chocolate drink- Renjun seemed to be liking that drink these days._

 

_The slightly older male approached him with a deep frown on his face. “If you’re gonna stay up here, at least wear some thick clothes. Jaemin wouldn’t be pleased to hear about you not taking care of yourself.” Renjun reprimanded before draping the coat on Jeno’s shoulder and handing him one mug._

 

_Jeno watched him drag another seat facing his own before sitting on it._

 

_They were silent for a moment, staring at the twinkling city lights before their eyes. Jeno didn’t have to face Renjun to know that the chinese wanted to say something, or ask something and Jeno wasn’t so sure if he could give him the answer to whatever that was._

 

_Then it came. The question, after much obvious contemplation from the other. “Jeno, are you and Jaemin fine?”_

 

_**Are they? Are they still fine when nothing in Jeno’s life is fine?** _

 

_Maybe they’re not. Maybe it’s Jeno’s fault for not being strong enough to hold everything back._

 

_“Donghyuck… had been receiving calls from him asking about why you aren’t answering his calls and texts. Is there any problem Jeno? Did you fight?” Renjun asked in concern, forehead forming a crease. His left hand reached to hold Jeno’s hand while the other held the half empty mug._

 

_Jeno flinched at the contact which didn’t go unnoticed. Renjun was smart enough to know there was something wrong, so he pushed his lips together tightly as he eyed the raven-haired._

 

_“What is it? Tell me?”_

 

_“You know what’s wrong Jun. You know exactly what’s wrong.” Jeno muttered helplessly as his hands traveled towards his hair to tug at the strands of his freshly highlighted locks._

 

_“You know it’s pretty understandable that you worry about him too much that it already affects your job. You love him Jeno.” Renjun quietly commented as his eyes lingered on Jeno a little longer._

 

_The said male released a huff. “That’s exactly the problem Jun! I’m not supposed to think of him that much, I shouldn’t let him affect my job. But damn my mind never gets empty from thoughts of him, it’s making me lose my mind!”_

 

_“He’s your boyfriend, it’s normal to think about your injured boyfriend. Listen, everyone cares for him here Jen. Everyone are worried about him and no one can blame us for that. It’s not your fault that his condition worsened, you did your best in taking care of him. We all knew it was bound to happen.”_

 

_“I-- I can’t stop thinking of him. I used to wait for his calls every night during break time, I’ll get all jittery and anxious when he’s minutes late and I mess up all the steps in our dance just because I’m too excited to pick up my phone and text him. I spend my day offs with him when I’m supposed to practice, fuck I even miss practice sometimes just to visit him Jun. That didn’t end up well for me. Now I’m a few steps to getting kicked out of this damn group and it’s making me feel like the dumb loser that I am.” Jeno burst out crying, his chest going up and down rapidly as heat traveled to his face. He was dizzy with all the emotions raging in his mind, but it was better to let them all out like this, he felt better._

 

_Pregnant silence filled the air until Renjun spoke up with a very careful voice. Talking to Jeno in that state made him feel like he was building a house of card- one blow and it’ll fall out. “Are you… trying to call him a distraction?”_

 

_Jeno never wanted to make him seem like that, but if he was to be honest to himself and the boy infront of him, maybe Jaemin really was a distraction. It was unfair to blame him for the mess that was Jeno’s thoughts, but if you’d ask Jeno about the root of all his problems all he could think of is how much he loved Na Jaemin._

 

_Sometimes he wonders, if he didn’t fall in love with his bestfriend AND groupmate, would it have been different? Would he do better than he was doing at the moment?_

 

_Maybe. But he couldn’t change that now. He’s inlove with Na Jaemin. And it wasn’t doing his job any good._

 

_He would think about how would it be if he was the one who got injured too. Would Jaemin be this affected too? Would Jaemin get driven to the boundary of his sanity like what was happening to Jeno?_

 

_**Maybe no.** _

 

_Jaemin had always been stronger, more collected and more rational that Jeno was. Jeno is nothing compared to Na Jaemin._

 

_“Help me Jun.” he cried out helplessly which gained his friend’s attention._

 

_“What do you want me to do about it? I’m not as good as you or Jisung in dancing I can’t help you with tha-”_

 

_“Help me forget about him. For.. the meantime.”_

 

_Renjun gaped, eyes blinking a few times in shock and disbelief. “Jeno… I won’t let you cheat on--”_

 

_The slightly younger male shook his head furiously.”I’m not-- I’m not asking you to date me. I know you love Chenle and you would never betray Jaemin like that, I couldn’t too. Just… maybe distract me? Let me pretend he doesn’t exist, help me think he was never in my life.”_

 

_“That’s crazy Jeno--”_

 

_“Renjun I’m tired. I’m tired of all this. I love him so much and I could never go on with my life without him, without thinking about him. I couldn’t do this comeback if I’ll continue being this distracted of him. Please, just please let me forget about him just until I get through this comeback.” He tried again, eyes full of tears once again as he tried his best to convince the chinese into agreeing with him._

 

_He couldn’t think of any better plan, how could one blame him. He’s weak, he couldn’t handle everything. All he could do was to run away, run away from Jaemin. He’s a coward._

_“Jeno..how do you think Jaemin would feel about you, his boyfriend, wanting to forget him, kicking him out of your life? That’s unfair for him. Think about how he would feel…”_

 

_“Maybe, I don’t wanna know.” He answered soullessly, empty of any emotions or bite. He didn’t want to know because what hurts Jaemin hurts him too, and thinking of the answer for that will just send him to his limit._

 

_Jeno’s being selfish, he knew that clearly. He’s being senseless. He might hurt the love of his life. But he couldn’t afford to ruin his and Jaemin’s dreams. Never._

 

* * *

 

_“Are you really sure about this Jeno? Can’t we talk it out?” Taeyong tried to change his mind for the nth time that day._

 

_Jeno nodded weakly, too exhausted of the redundant question being thrown at him by his members. He had been seated in front of all the 14 of them for who knew how long now, their faces sporting different kinds of reactions. He could identify disappointment in some, others did nothing but look at him with pity. He hated it._

 

_“Listen Jeno, we know what you’re feeling but-”_

 

_“No you don’t.” He spat, bitter and cold. He heard series of sighs from them. He didn’t dare look at anyone, his eyes steadied on his fingers which were fiddling with the hem of his hoodie._

 

_“You’re an asshole. The biggest one I’ve ever known.” It was a familiar voice, someone he definitely grew accustomed with. He directed a glare towards Mark who was being held back by his boyfriend._

 

_“This asshole just wants to protect our dreams. This asshole is being threatened by the company and not only my job is at stake but also his. This asshole is doing his best to not ruin it for him. This asshole is helpless so for the love of God Mark Lee, shut the fuck up.”_

 

_Silence enveloped the living room of NCT’s dorm as soon as Jeno stood up from his seat and walked out of the door. No one dared to drop a comment. It definitely wasn’t a matter they can force on Jeno especially when they nobody among them got a solution to this._

 

* * *

 

  
_“Happy New Year, Nana.” He muttered to the boy besides him. He held his hand tighter as they watched the streaks of light displaying in front of them._

 

_“Happy New Year, Jen.” Jaemin answered back right after he rested his head on the older’s shoulder. “I love you.”_

 

_Jeno felt his throat drying up as he looked straight ahead pretending to watch the fireworks while his tears threatened to fall. “I… I love you too.”_

 

_And just like that, he held Jaemin like he never wanted to let him go for the last time before he goes and face the harsh reality that fate prepared for him._

 

_‘I’m sorry, Nana. I’ll be back.’_

 

* * *

 

 

  
_It was when he came back to the dorms after he spent his holiday break in Jaemin’s house that he broke down into tears. It was too painful to pretend that everything was okay in front of Jaemin. It was too painful for Jeno to say goodbye, because maybe it would take him a long time to say hello again._

 

_He was never sure of what the future holds for the both of them, he wasn’t sure if they could stay together for long after the company knowing about their relationship. He wasn’t sure if he could give Jaemin up, he wasn’t sure if he could keep the front up._

 

_Many thoughts ran on his mind that afternoon as he laid on his bed waiting for Renjun to come back from China._

 

_What if the company really kicks them out?_

 

_What if Jaemin never gets better from his injury?_

 

_What if they just run away to somewhere far away and never come back?_

 

_He cried some more and tossed around his bed as the sun began to set. He felt so drained and lifeless which didn’t surprise his Chinese roommate when he finally entered their room after long hours of flight from his hometown._

 

_Renjun mumbled a greeting to him before he grinned at him, shoving him a big bear plushie that’s probably taller than a 7yrs old kid. “Hey, get up and stop sulking. It’s new year and you’re starting it with tears? That would bring bad luck in.”_

 

_Jeno blinked at him. “What is this for?”_

 

_“Happy New Year dumbass! Now get up, we’ll go night shopping. New year, new clothes~!” the smaller boy yelled as he ran around the room throwing down his luggage and other stuffs and changing clothes._

 

_Jeno cracked a small smile. **Renjun is an angel.**_

 

* * *

 

  
_Him and Renjun grew closer as the days passed. They learned a lot about each other, from their favorite stuffs to Renjun’s crush on Chenle that Jeno was ever supportive of. He would laugh at the older male whenever he grow flustered everytime their other chinese member would initiate skinships with him, or when Chenle asks him to do something that Renjun couldn’t help but follow. It was amusing to watch Renjun’s face become as red as his newly dyed hair._

 

_They agreed on doing stuffs together too, from practicing to eating to even shopping. Renjun had been teaching him vocals and Jeno, finally regaining his will to dance, had been returning the favor by helping him in their choreo that got harder than their previous song._

 

_Renjun’s presence made Jeno feel calm and secure, probably because of his laid-back nature that makes people around him relax. He was like fresh air for Jeno who had always been around people like Donghyuck, Jisung, Mark and Jaemin who are pretty much chaotic if you ask him._

 

_His manager called him in again after two weeks, telling him how he was pleasing their trainers with the improvement he was showing and asking him if he could keep that up until the comeback date. Their manager even told Jeno how he made their mv director smile after seeing the clips he got from him. Jeno did nothing but smile timidly and bow in gratitude for all the compliments before getting out of the door with half of his worries getting lifted off his shoulders._

 

_And maybe, even for just a little bit, Jeno finally managed to breathe after so long. Jaemin was still texting and calling him and God knows how much he wanted to reply and answer them all, how much he wanted to talk to his boyfriend, how much he wanted to go and visit him. He endured it all, hoping that Jaemin was doing good at enduring it too._

 

_He told Renjun about everything that have happened when they were back in their shared room after a long day of practicing and the older expressed how happy he was for Jeno. Truly, he had seen how much focused Jeno had became._

 

_“So are you planning on talking to him now? I mean, it’s been two weeks.” Renjun asked after they put the lights off._

 

_Jeno dragged a sigh and shook his head even though he knew the gesture wouldn’t be visible. “I don’t know. I fear that all my frustrations will come back if I ever try and see him again. I knew if I answer even one of his texts, I won’t be able to help my self and yearn for more. It’s hard Jun.” He confessed._

 

_Renjun didn’t answer for a moment, probably weighing all the thoughts in his mind to come up with a helpful advice._

 

_“I don’t know how long will you keep this up but I hope you’ll come up with a better idea soon. You can’t keep him waiting forever Jen.”_

 

_**“I know.”** _

 

* * *

 

  
_It was a bright morning. And Jeno decided it was a good idea to work out in the rooftop instead of working out in the local gym that he visits frequently. He really didn’t plan on staying out for too long, it was cold anyways. He just wanted to perform a few routines while watching the busy streets of Seoul this early._

 

_He didn’t want to drag Renjun along with him because he looked sleepy when Jeno asked him if he wanted to come but the older insisted, saying he was gonna ask Jeno to help him with some steps in ‘Dunk Shot’ that he can’t execute well._

 

_Jeno dressed himself in his track pants and loose white shirt that he always use when practicing or working out. He knew it’ll be freezing outside so he wore his black windbreaker._

 

_It was when they were already climbing up the stairs when he felt odd for a certain reason he can’t point out but he shrugged it off, maybe he was just hungry due to him not eating anything for breakfast no matter how hard Renjun convinced him otherwise._

 

_They reached the top and started warming up, performing some drills- or Jeno alone performing some warm up drills because Renjun immediately flopped his ass on the ground and closed his eyes. Jeno just let him be since he looked really tired._

 

_After a few minutes Renjun jolted awake and joined him, asking Jeno if they can go through their dance first to which the slightly younger male agreed. They played the music using Renjun’s portable speaker and Jeno patiently showed the dance to him one by one._

 

_Renjun was fast at learning the steps, he even managed to polish the first part that he had been dancing incorrectly. Jeno noticed that he was having some trouble with the chorus part so they spent more time getting that part right._

 

_“Hey, can you do the position in this part first?” The raven-haired asked the other who complied immediately, folding his elbows and positioning his arms in front of his chest._

 

_Jeno observed the boy and suddenly noticed how Renjun’s left foot wasn’t on it’s correct place so he went in front of the boy to move his foot a few inches to where it originally was. Standing up, he asked the latter if he can proceed to the next step but Renjun lost his balance while moving his other foot making him stumble backwards, arms flinging towards Jeno to grab him for support but he ended up on dragging him down with him, his back landing on the concrete floor with a groan. If the fall wasn’t enough, then Jeno’s weight on him made it even painful._

 

_Both muttered a string of curses as Jeno tried lifting himself off Renjun seeing how the smaller looked like he was about to pass out._

 

_It was the loud sound of the door being closed harshly that got their attention. Jeno furrowed his brows, and helped Renjun get up from the floor. “Who could that be?”_

 

_Renjun shrugged. “I don’t know. Can we go back now? My back hurts like hell.”_

 

_The younger giggled and mumbled a small apology before pulling his friend back to their dorm. What he didn’t expect to see though was their group members all sitting in the living looking all anxious._

 

_“Hey what’s up?” Renjun awkwardly asked, not liking how the atmosphere inside the room thickened right after they entered. His eyes trailed unto Chenle, who rolled his eyes on him. The older cleared his throat and averted his gaze, not really knowing why the other seemed pissed with him._

 

_They all looked at each other, urging someone to speak up. He saw Doyoung tapping Donghyuck’s thigh which made the tanned male jump in his seat, not being able to look straight at Jeno and Renjun._

 

_“J-- J-jaemin… he was h-here earlier.. And he actually went upstairs to c-check on you two.. but he c-came back.. he came back c-crying.. and immediately l-left.” Donghyuck explained, barely stuttering the words out in panic because of the situation they were in._

 

_Jaemin’s obviously the closest to Donghyuck after Mark. Him and Jeno entered the company the same year as him, making them his first same-age friends which later on became his groupmates. He was a witness of how Jeno and Jaemin’s love bloomed, how it turned to this. Of course it pained him to see the two hurting, their relationship crumpling down. He couldn’t bear looking directly into Jeno’s eyes, he couldn’t bear seeing the helplessness in them because he himself didn’t know how to ease all the pain that his two friends were feeling._

 

_Jeno’s face showed a mix of shock and confusion, looking down the floor for a good minute as he collected all his thoughts. A worried Renjun put a hand over his shoulder to get his attention. “Let’s just explain it to him Jeno he might’ve got the wrong Idea. Let’s call him now-”_

 

_“There’s no need. Let it be, Jun. Let him hate me for now. I’ll explain it all to him when time comes.” Jeno interrupted, casting a small ensuring smile to everyone in that room who gave him worried looks._

 

_**At this point, even his smiles didn’t reach his eyes. Even his smiles are all lies.** _

 

* * *

 

 

  
The deafening silence after he finished speaking was hurting Jeno’s ears. Jaemin’s eyes were on his lap, he didn’t move for so long other than the droplets of tears streaming down his face, that the other thought he was dead for a second.

 

“Nana, I’m so sorry. That’s all I can say after all these things. I’m so sorry.” He tried once more, his voice already faltering as his heart hammered against his chest. In all honesty, Jeno didn’t expect from Jaemin. He knew the damage that he’d done.

 

He saw the younger closing his eyes, probably to pull out something sensible to say but nothing came out from his mouth for another minute. All that echoed between the 4 walls of Jaemin’s room were the jabbing whimpers that dug through Jeno’s spine.

 

Even though he wanted to run his fingers on Jaemin’s wet cheeks to wipe the salty liquid trailing down them, throw his arms around his waist to hug him closer and kiss his forehead while muttering the words he had been wanting to say to him, he controlled himself. For the brunette, everything between them was already over and Jeno respects him despite the tugging pain in his heart.

 

He sat there across Jaemin, his emotions building up his chest, his eyes stinging from the tears he’d been trying to hold back, his hands quivering as he watched the love of his life crying silently, all because of Jeno.

 

**“Nana please…”**

 

“I… I d-don’t know Jeno. I don’t know. I w-want to believe you, I want to forgive you and take you back. Clearly, it wasn’t our fault that fate had been an asshole to us. But.. I don’t know.” Jaemin finally responded after a series of sobs that escaped from his lips.

 

Same old Jaemin. He didn’t even want to blame Jeno for everything that happened. He’s too kind for his own good, but Jeno didn’t want to take advantage of that.

 

“I already told you all the things I wanted to say, Nana. I want you back, so bad, but I won’t force you on anything. I… I know you’re probably happy with him now...”

 

Jaemin finally met Jeno’s gaze, eyes glistening with tears.”I’m not with Chani. Its… It’s actually all fake. I did him a favor because his members won’t stop bugging him about having a boyfriend. But yeah, I’m really happy with him. H-he.. he was there for me Jeno.”

 

The blonde nodded, partly relieved that Jaemin’s relationship with Chani wasn’t real. Jaemin still admitted being happy with him though. Maybe he could give him that. He could let Jaemin free if that means he could be happy. That’s all Jeno ever wanted- Na Jaemin’s happiness.

 

“I’m really sorry. I’m so sorry for everything. I… I probably don’t deserve you.” He smiled bitterly, words directed more to himself than the boy infront of him. Standing up from his seat, he harshly wiped the tear that rolled down his eyes yet again with his wrist.

 

His knees almost betrayed him, his mind hazy as it was clouded with the thoughts of the end. An official end for a love so sweet, a love so beautiful. He stepped closer to his lover, ex-lover if you can say it like that, halting right in front of him before dipping down to press a chaste kiss on Jaemin’s forehead. It was a hobby he picked that the younger always loved.

 

He didn’t want to pull away, so he held the sides of Jaemin’s head, caressing his hair as the said boy began to sob again. Jeno inhaled sharply before kneeling down to face the brunette, his hands sliding down to his flushed cheeks covered with the wetness of his tears.

 

 **“I… love… you…”** he slowly muttered, word by word to let everything sink on Jaemin. Jeno brushed his thumbs under Jaemin’s eyes before leaning in to place his lips on the younger’s lips for the last time. It was quick, it didn’t last any longer than they used to because Jeno didn’t want to get stuck with the intoxicating softness of Jaemin’s lips one again.

 

Getting up was the hardest, because Jaemin was clinging in his arms too. The grip was loose, a sign that Jaemin was contemplating to let him go. But Jeno knew he should leave, he had caused too much damage.

 

“I’ll- I’ll get going, Jaemin.” He simply bid right after Jaemin finally let his arms go. He saw him nodding while his head was still hung low, fingers now clutched on top of his lap.

 

Jeno silently walked towards the door, not looking back. Not even when Jaemin’s soft cries could still be heard behind him. Not even when he heard Jaemin call his name before he stepped out of the room. 

* * *

 

**We're not done here. :)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been dragging this update because
> 
> 1.) I wasn't confident with what I have been writing. I've been writing and deleting and writing again because honestly, I don't really know how to end this. I've figured it out with the help of everyone who constantly gives me ideas and encourages me to keep going with this one. 
> 
> 2.) THIS IS THE LONGEST CHAPTER IVE EVER WRITTEN. This is around 9.5K words. I really wanted to explain it well and Idk if I succeeded because it still looks like a mess. I didn't plan on uploading it today but I was sad about not having a nomin interaction for like days now I miss them. 
> 
> I'm thankful to everyone who waited patiently! I'm having a slump and idk when it'll end I literally forced my ass to write this so I'm sorry if its not how you wanted it to be. I'll start updating my other fics too! 
> 
> WE'RE NOT DONE HERE FOLKS. ONE LAST CHAPTER TO WRAP IT ALL UP. 
> 
> Comments? Drop them! Ily guys :) talk to me in twt @xiuchenfinity
> 
> -Ros

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language please forgive me for the errors. This was also posted in aff I didn't really plan on posting this fic here in ao3 but the fics under nomin tags are almost 100 fics now, and I wanna reach it as soon as possible haha! Please do leave comments~! Anyways, this is a stand-alone chapter, open ending, that is if you don't wanna read the ending that I wrote.


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